Finding a home in my school

Another reason I'd dreaded my birthday this year was because it was the same day my exam results would be released. I didn't really bother to check them, because I knew what to expect, and because I didn't want that to ruin my day. Kinda shallow of me, I know.

Just a few days ago I did went to see though, just for the heck of it. Alas, I couldn't even see my exam results because I hadn't paid my school fees yet. So what to do? Couldn't do much, so I just laid back and tried to forget it.

The very next day I got a text from the ECE [Electronics and Computer Engineering] office, informing me there was a due date if I wanted to appeal. That was when I knew what my supposed fate was.

One of the rules from my school was that, if you're retaking a module and you fail it for the second time, you'll straight get dismissed. I somehow knew I failed Daeln again, and it was no surprise to me anyways.

So today, I'd gone to Ngee Ann Polytechnic to appeal against my dismissal.

I had to write a letter explaining why I wanted this chance to stay in NP. When I held that pen in my hand, believe me I wanted to spill my heart out onto the paper. I didn't have the courage then, and all I could write was that I want to try again because everyone around me are having their hopes on me, including myself, and that I'm not ready to give up just yet.

I'm writing this post now to spill my heart out for real, about why I love NP and why I'd like to stay in this school until I graduate with a diploma.

The taxi ride was silent, just my mom sitting in the passenger seat and me behind the driver, staring out the window. The PIE was so familiar to me, reminded me of my trips to and fro school everyday. It felt like a long time since I had that view.

I couldn't stop staring at the bracelet from Loy, one of my semester 2 classmates. It was a gift from her in the beginning of year 2, all the way from her hometown in Cambodia. My thoughts went on to the other few friends I'd made during my short time in poly.

Mom was walking to and fro everywhere, from the Student Services Centre to the Engineering office to the Student Services Office, what a headache. I took the time to walk around the Engineering buildings, the halls and the smells all too familiar to me. I could close my eyes and find my way around easily.

During school it was a dreadful thing to be walking there alone among the crowds, because I'd always felt judged by everyone. But walking along the halls today with few souls in sight made me realise how I actually liked being in my school. 

I walked past Block 4, where my semester 1 classmates and I had first met one another's eyes. How we were forced to sit in a circle and trace each other's existence into our hearts. 

I remember locking eyes with Susan, who sat opposite me, and quickly looking away without even smiling. How Shihui was right next to me, always moving her head downwards to let her hair cover her face. How I thought they were all super weird, all of them. 

I went on walking past Co-op, where the whole lot of us would always sneak away to during class to buy snacks. Where, a year later, I was standing beside, drunk and in tears about my break-up with Shihui trying to calm me down.

The offices at Block 8, where my EngMec teacher had invested so much of his time into giving some of us an extra tutoring. Repeating his lessons again and again to make sure we understood. 

The poolside canteen, where I first had many awkward lunches with my classmates of 1A1. The benches outside the canteen where I'd sat with them, studying our asses off during final exam period.

I thought of the times I walked down the halls alone during school. How I'd only occasionally stop to shyly say hi to someone I used to have classes with. I thought of how I always wanted to see someone I know just so I could remove the frown I always wear on my face, and have a reason to give a genuine smile. 

I thought of the few friends I'd made during the past 3 semesters. The way they might have seen me and what they might have thought of me. It kinda saddened me to think of the way we got along back then, to know I wasn't part of their circle anymore. 

Shihui was probably the only one I still entrusted my thoughts with, the only one I could be weird with. I'd never forget how she had so much faith in me. How we only got closer in semester 2 when we were chucked onto the same boats. 

How Susan was the one who never stopped believing in me and being there for me from the very moment she asked me what my name was. I kept letting her down and she got dragged into my mess so much last year but she always greeted me with a smile when we got into separate classes. 

I felt like I'd let them down. 

I need to stand my ground, I need to stay in school, I want to try again. 

Walking in the halls of Ngee Ann is an all too familiar feeling for me, and I'd be lost if my feet aren't touching the grounds of my school anymore. I'd feel so lost if I don't see these people anymore, if I don't sit in the Atrium or the library, or get frustrated with the crowds of the Engineering blocks.

God, maybe my school is my second home after all. I'd spent most of my days in there ever since I'd enrolled last year, I don't see myself being anywhere else. Not in another school, not in any workplace. I'm too used to waking up in the mornings, long bus journeys which cause me to be late most of the time, classmates which I never talk to surrounding me. I'd feel so lost without these. 

If I ever get to stay in NP, if they give me another chance, I'd use the sense of home and familiarity of my school to push me into graduating with a goddamn diploma. I will only accept leaving behind this school properly.