Why I can't and won't repent

So a while ago I told myself I would start to acknowledge my own religion.

After about a month or so thinking about it and going through more bullshits of life, I've come to the decision that I shouldn't, and I won't. I did try, but I realised it isn't my fate to love Him.

It'd have been easier if I started from young, but I didn't. I read about my religion a lot last year, but it didn't interest me like it should. I find myself more interested in things that clash with my religion instead.

To me, religion tears people apart, from themselves and from each other. I see many people from mine making it out like they're higher and mightier than others just because they believe. They go on hindering others for one sin, when they're committing a different sin themselves.

It's not just sin it's behaviour too, and most people who keep boasting about their beliefs are no better than those who openly don't follow the rules. Feels like religion is making people look down on those different from them. Brings more war than peace.

I feel like atheists (or people who aren't that iffy about religion) are nicer people in general. I've read stories about these people, and met quite a few, and they don't look down on those who heavily believe in religion, although you see them being judged a lot themselves.

Part of me never believed in my own God. Sure, I believed in His existence but I never once believed he had the power that everyone says He has.

I'm not convinced when people say He has something better planned for you; if you died before you got that something, then everyone just dismisses it as 'God loves him more'.

I heard that suicide is a sin in my religion, and I also heard that God planned our death before we were even born. So if someone died of suicide, isn't it what He wanted? Is the person still gonna be punished for that sin? Because if he is, that's pretty unfair.

There's also the Jodoh thing. It's pretty cruel how He makes two people fall in love and give their everything to each other, only to rip them up apart just because He doesn't want them together for life. People can say "He knows what's best for us" but I don't think anyone would be happy if that happens to them.

If God really loves us, why doesn't He just accept the way we are? Even if we sin a lot, even if we're tattooed, even if we're gay? No? I question too many things about Him that we should just accept. Idk.

I've had many questions about these, and many other things about this matter but nobody ever had an answer for me, even when they're religiously inclined. So many gaps in this religion that I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't so curious.

Just my own opinion, that's why I don't find myself suited to be a Muslim.

It was always what the wind wanted for me, that's why I tried so hard. It was always for him. Thinking about it, he probably further deterred me from wanting to repent and shit, comparing the way he looks differently at those who aren't as religious as him. Ugh nevermind let's not.

Now I've thought about it hard, and if I chose what I want, I choose not wanting to hug my own religion after all. I'm just not interested, I don't find most of the religion's aspects logical, and I simply like to consume/do many things that are forbidden.