Notions

Commend me for having the balls to write this. It would kill me to write this, yet it's a lot more painful to keep it inside. There was a feud over a blog post, and then there were raised voices over a few tweets. I don't know... I can't describe this feeling. It isn't loss, because I never had him to begin with.

The more books I read, the more I realise that big brothers betraying their little sisters are a common plot twist. I hate it. It reminds me of my own predicament. He was never even my friend, yet I feel so damn betrayed by the way he's treated me all these years.

I don't know when he changed, or why, but he's hated me all along, no matter what I do. Sure, I've been annoying as heck but I thought that's what siblings are made to be.

I tried to hate him. I guess the hatred was dripping all over the surface but it never really took my whole heart. I convinced myself I hated him with all my soul, and it was easy especially during the period when I was living in Paya Lebar.

It was only when I realised how much he hated my presence here at Pasir Ris did I want to try again. My main drive was my parents, but I also wanted to be the same person to both my brothers, not just a loving sister to my younger one and a hateful person to the other. And, well, I've always wondered what it was like if I was close with my elder brother. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if he ever looks at me and questions what I like.

I kinda still genuinely hate him, but it's undeniable that I'm sad to see him going. I failed to bring him back. I don't know if he will ever know something simple about me like my favourite colour.

But it's okay because he's obviously happy. I've never seen him radiate with happiness like he seems to be these days, and I shouldn't care about how I'm not the source of it. I shouldn't care about how his happiness is pain to all of us, because it's his life. I should be glad he doesn't seem to have a care in the world.

Been listening to Notions / The Ready Set on repeat, because I can't help but be reminded of him and his girlfriend when I listen to it. How he loves her so, and how we can't do anything about it but bask in the shine of their togetherness.