I hate what dreams can do to you. Dreams, in the sense of ambitions, can make you so desperate, and can make you so damn devastated when you know you can never achieve them. But in this case, I hate what the dreams I have at night can do to me.
I call them dreams, not nightmares, because I've had worse than what I usually get.
My little brother wanted to hide, and he decided to do that by sitting on the kitchen window. He slipped, and ended up falling over. I could hear his voice screaming, going further and further, while all I could do was stand, look over and call out to him.
I immediately dashed out and went down in the lift [we live on the 9th floor by the way], and when the lift doors opened on the first floor, my parents were there. I looked at them hopefully, but all they could say was: "I'm sorry. There was nothing we could do."
Cut to the next scene, where I was standing in a lift lobby, just me alone. It was really dark in the place and in my soul, I could feel it. I remember the place being a sort of MRT station, probably a major interchange one, because there seemed to be different Lines on different levels.
The lift was so scary, this I remember, because I was saying out loud the Al-Fatihah. It was dark as hell too, and the lift was moving so damn slow despite it only having four levels, as I'd seen the numbers on the lift buttons.
After getting out at the ground level, I continued walking, brooding shoulders and hung head, just letting the darkness eat away at me. I didn't talk to the few people that passed me by, though they greeted me with a smile.
I got to a sort of mall, where I met with none other than the asshole who dumped me and his tertiary friend. The latter spoke to me, telling me to follow them to Courts, so I did.
The Courts were on two levels, and as we went down from the fourth, I went over to the third level entrance. But they continued on to the second level's, so I just went ahead and did my own exploring. I got to this little alleyway that was hidden next to the escalator connecting the two levels, and when the asshole's friend started chasing me, asking me to join them, that was where I hid.
I was drained at this point of time, I sat in a corner of that alleyway and just cried and cried. The asshole and his friend found me, went through the door to the alleyway where I was and came over to me. His friend tried to comfort me but all I could do was hug my knees and cry.
The whole time, the asshole never talked but eventually he knelt down in front of me, looked me in the eyes and told me to stop crying. I didn't stop.
And then he started to hit me. He was bashing my skull in, banging my head against the wall, just hitting me without a sound. I just continued crying, which soon evolved to bawling. I didn't ask him to stop but when he did, he held my head and murmured, "Oh, shit." He looked at his hands and they were bloody, and I noticed a mirror in front of me, so I caught my reflection.
I was a fucking mess. My head was bleeding like crazy, blood dripping down my face along with my tears. I could feel a gap at the back of my head, where more blood was coming out from. It was literally a gap, I could push my fingers into that hole in my head and pry open my skull just like that.
"I'm sorry," he said, and he went to sit opposite me, hugging his knees as well.
I just resumed crying. I'm not sure where his friend had gone, but the asshole who dumped me, sat across from me mirroring my position and just staring back at me. And then guess what he said? He and his fucking balls, he said, "Please marry me."
I can remember the first three words so fucking clearly. What he said afterwards, I can't recall word for word, but it went along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I'll take care of you. If you screw up, I'll stay with you and we'll clean up your mess together. You won't be alone, whatever you said was right and I was wrong. I love you so much I just want to be with you no matter how messed up you are."
He was sitting next to the mirror, and I saw my bloodied face and pathetic state next to him, a reminder of what he just did to me a few minutes before. But I said yes. I said: "Okay, I will marry you."
This obviously means that I'm currently still at his disposal aren't I? I would get stripped of my everything, and when I'm left all alone he could hit me and injure me all he wants, but at the end of the day if he ever uses his charm on me I'd always fall for it.
That just sucks doesn't it.
Moving on is harder than I thought.
A side note: My dreams at night are darker than you think. The atmosphere, the places, the "camera angles", they're all out of a horror movie and then some. That's why I'm really scared of them, they can get real scary sometimes. My own words aren't enough to bring out the depth of my dreams; it's something you'll have to see for yourself in order to feel the fear that I go through every night.
Yes, these are just dreams. Words can't even begin to describe the horror of what I call "nightmares". And I can't forget how I looked like in the mirror, and the look of regret that the asshole had on his face as he was staring at me. It was a look of remorse and at the same time a look of satisfaction.
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