Thank you for the smiles of 2013

2013 was like the light at the end of the tunnel; the tunnel being the dreadful year of 2012. I've met so many people, although to have made space for these friendships I had to let go of some. I let go of the past, of a family, of previous classmates; nevertheless I'm really thankful for everyone who has made my 2013 wonderful at respective points of time.

These people are the ones who had made my first few months in Ngee Ann Polytechnic wonderful; they had eased the transition of my loneliness in sec 5 to a new school in year 1, and for that I am really thankful.

Thank you Shafiq for making me laugh all the time in class just by being yourself, even when I was in a horrible mood. For sharing a few interests as me and for drawing little cartoon versions of me. For being there to encourage me because we were in the same boat, detesting engineering. We may not be in the same class anymore but I'm gonna work hard this time so your words won't be in vain.

Thank you Qi Hong and Edwin for being a hilarious pair, Qi Hong for your contagious laughter and Edwin for your lame jokes [which nevertheless never failed to make me laugh] and disturbing Qi Hong. For helping me when I have questions in class and being patient with me til I got it.

Thank you Hadi for the occasional encouragement texts, and asking me how I am, although I never got the chance to get to know you better.

Thank you to the guys of my IJ group, Hidir, Fadli and Zul, for making me laugh til I had stitches on that one day of our groupwork. For disturbing me, not treating me like a stranger or being awkward, for making me feel better about myself. To Hidir, for sharing a common interest in traveling around the country.

Thank you Aiman for noticing me on the third day of school, for saying I was pretty and having interest in me. For inviting me to the dance party though I backed out because of my social anxiety.

Thank you to the few friends I'd made in Photography, Stacy, Derrick, Hanyi, the few sessions we had together from the very first day where we had icebreaking. Though I stopped going, and I don't contact any of you anymore and it's highly unlikely any of you would be reading this, I had lots of fun with you guys.

Thank you Malini for being the first and only constant friend from S&W. You were the kind of friend I had who I could look at, know what you were thinking, and we would laugh together. For listening to my lame jokes and laughing at the way I made a fool out of myself all the time.

Thank you Shafie first for letting me be close to you at the start, although you hadn't wanted me to. For letting me think that I'd been a good friend to you, for letting me bully you like I'd do to my little brother. For taking such a huge burden on your shoulders just by being friends with me [yet staying], and for being concerned for me all the time.

Thank you Susan for being the first person to ask for my name on the first day of school, for reaching out to me before anyone else did. For being the first person I'd revealed my scars to. For choosing to confide in me and sitting next to me in class even when I was a terrible student. For already being so heavily concerned for me within the first week, willing to hold a burden like me as your friend.

Thank you 1A1, for those times we all went for breakfast and lunch together, and played pool, and went for our lessons together.

The second semester got better, and I had to let go of the people from the first to make space for these few new, yet amazing, friends. Although some I did not see everyday; I cherished the few moments I had with them.

Thank you to my Comiss classmates for giving me that first spark of hope that school wouldn't be too bad after all. For making me giggle, for listening to my little speeches.
To Wani, for being the only other girl in class for me to make friends with, for helping me with the projects, for laughing together with me at the boys and having lunch with me every week.
To Shan, for sharing the common passion for writing and reading, for making me laugh by being annoying. For listening intently and being the biggest fan of my every speech.

Thank you to the few boys of my other classes, though I hadn't gotten their names. For joking around across the classroom, including me in to the laughters, especially EMPTS and Daeln Tutorial.

Thank you Loy for helping me in DAELN lab, and for giving me last minute tutorials for the theory. Although we aren't as close and we can't talk without a mutual friend connecting us; so I really hope when the term starts again I can get to know you better.

Thank you Faiz for being my partner in Programming class, for being my competition as a way of motivating me to do my work. For asking me questions and making me feel good about myself when praising me for my knowledge. For laughing together with me, reminiscing secondary school memories and bullying each other as way of acknowledging each other's presence.

Thank you especially Shi Hui for being by my side in every class since we shared the same fate, and for making sure I don't screw up this time. For letting me be myself, for accepting my silliness and just being my best friend for this semester, even though we weren't close despite being in the same class in Sem 1.

These are the people - old and new friends - whom I've only met a few times this year, once, or never at all, but I'm still thankful for our meeting, what little bond we've had so far. Maybe they've cheered me up over a tweet, or a few comments on Instagram. Whatever it was, may we get to know each other more this year. 

Thank you Danny for taking the initiative to talk to me on ask.fm, for having such courage to directly message me admitting it was you. For telling me the problems you had, for giving me the hope that I could have been a light at the end of the tunnel for you. And I'm sorry, because I hadn't managed to fulfill that.

Thank you Nazirah for direct messaging me on Twitter regarding my blog post about my elder brother, for telling me your own pain. For being an inspiration by the way that you kept your talent to yourself and remained humble about it.

Thank you Nura for the very first tweet you had sent to me, telling me randomly that you enjoyed my blog. For choosing my Tumblr to tell your problems too, though I hadn't helped much. For sharing a common love for Pokemon, for making me your inspiration for blogging.

Thank you Eidhan for your occasional random tweets, and also retweets, which always make me laugh. For messaging me on the day of my drunk tweets, asking if I'm okay.

Thank you Dianna for calling me beautiful, and for that one time you tweeted to me a goodnight before you went to sleep. For calling me and my boyfriend cute when you saw us kicking each other's butts. I'm sorry I hadn't been able to get to know you better.

Thank you Azim [only known as Metal Petals before I knew his name] for that one tweet to me, laughing at me for my typos when I was so upset and not giving a shit about what I was tweeting. I actually looked back to my previous tweets when you mentioned to me, and I couldn't help smiling at my little silliness, even in the midst of crying. [this was in Jan 2013 and I doubt you'd recall, but I do]

Thank you Ashikin [a fellow There for Tomorrow fan] for never talking to me before but recognising me that one time you saw me at Jurong East, for taking initiative to tweet to me telling me. For being a fellow fan of There for Tomorrow, may we link our hearts by listening to the same band in the future hehe.

Thank you Qianying and Phyllis, for taking initiative to plan an outing for us, for bringing us to Eat, Play, Love for dinner and photos. For treasuring our friendship although we had shunned you back in secondary school.

Thank you Wai Kit for being the senpai that you were from five years ago, teaching me the few things of life especially poly issues. For encouraging me to go ahead with my new interest of engineering, helping me find a route through it.

With my new relationship of 2013, came lots of amazing friendships; his secondary school classmates and current friends from the Choa Chu Kang college. Although I feel ashamed for stealing his friends because of the fact that I didn't have my own, I cherish the friendships I'd made throughout the time with him.

Thank you to the girls of his 2012 class, although I haven't gotten close to any of you, because I'd been told that you all wanted to make friends with me [I was too shy to make any first moves]. For inviting me on class outings, and I'm also sorry I never made it because of my social anxiety.
To Juyani for messaging me asking if I was alright on the day he and I broke up, for complimenting me on my Instagram pictures and making me so flattered.

Thank you to the boys of his 2013 class, for welcoming me at your school and letting me play soccer with you. To Farhan for making me giggle whenever he bullied the other guys, to Yazid for messaging me asking if I was okay when he saw my tweets, for treating me to Chicken Rice Shop.

Thank you Dina for giving me a nickname the day we first met, which no other people has ever called me before. I'm also sorry for not making it on time to watch your dance performance that night.
Thank you Diyanah for having such a nice and contagious smile, for giving me tweets of encouragement when I was on the slow road of repentance.

Thank you Zul for being an inspiration in my liking for roads, for sharing your music with me and letting me use your address for my parcel. For listening to the stories of my past and bringing me out skating.

Thank you Luqman for making me smile at my phone all the time with your random annoying texts, for making me giggle when you were with your best friend. For making fun of me for my pronunciation, for sharing your interests with me and letting me listen to your theories and stories.

Thank you Naqib for your lame jokes which still never failed to make me laugh. For sending me home after I'd gotten freaked out with a horror movie, for telling me that "If it's really your passion, you wouldn't care who reads your blog or not."

Thank you Merlissa for giving me so much advice over the course of our meeting, though I've always been too stubborn to heed. For taking me under your wing the very first day we met, for trusting me enough to confide in me about your own life. For coming down to Woodlands Waterfront and listening to my drunk talk and watching me cry, for being the first person I'd talk to when I have a problem with him.

Funny how the people I'd ended 2012 without, were there at the end of 2013. At the end of the year, I had written a post like this, with gratitude to those who shaped my 2012. I had ended the post with these people, with the caption "last but not least, there are those who were there for me, for as long as i can remember. but are no longer in my life anymore, now."

Now, the end of 2013; these are people whom I have longed for the longest. People who accepted me for who I am; they had left last year, but they came back. And for that alone, I am grateful beyond belief. 

Thank you Shushan for introducing all the jobs to me, for making sure I've got funds for myself. For having those free parties with me on Sunday mornings at the bakery, for being my support when we were getting told off by our lady boss. For being the source of our laughter on our clique outings.

Thank you Asleah for giving me a hug and saying "Welcome back." when we went out again after a long year of separation. For being the most annoying [unintentionally] and making me laugh alone all the time because of your tone.

Thank you Farizah for also giving me a hug when we met again, for being honest with me and telling me whenever you missed me. For being on the same boat as me and understanding my pain, wanting to change our fashion sense yet wanting to save money.

Thank you Pearl for listening to my heartbreak stories, for being a good host whenever we came over to your place. For always making time for us no matter how tough your schedule is, for being an amazing artist and blogger.

Thank you Sabrina for hosting our 5th Reunion Party, for looking at me with a weird look whenever I'm laughing to myself [which just makes me laugh harder]. For always giving time to layan me no matter how silly I'm being, for taking time out your busy schedule to make time for us.

Thank you Siying for being there all the time, for helping me with my fashion stuff, for the little shopping trips. For the constant advice though yes I am too stubborn to listen. For being the first to reach out to me again, for bringing me back into the clique because you had put away your pride for my sake.

Thank you 'Aamir for giving me hope that all is not lost. For returning me the love I had yearned for for so long before I met you, for helping me quit my bad habits. For never giving up on me no matter how many times I'd disappointed you, for wiping my tears no matter how many times I'd cried. For being an annoying faggot and an adoring darling at the same time.

Thank you my cousin Kak Siti for finding time to go on Johore trips with us, for making the choice of bonding with me every once in a while. For going shopping with me from H&M to bookfests, to Johore Bahru. For making me laugh by being annoying and bullying me despite the difference of a decade between us. For being the older sister I never had.

Thank you to my grandmother, aunt, and uncles, for giving me a roof over my head and being my family. For making me laugh every single day, for forgiving me no matter how late I reach home every day. For treating me like a best friend, for telling me all kinds of things you've seen on the news or on the net, making sure I'm able to laugh at what just made you happy.

____

I know all those other bloggers are writing about what they had done or achieved in the year, or what they had learnt, but to me, these factors can be found in the friendships and acquaintances I had lost and made. I think that alone can describe what I have achieved in the year.

May my years of living continue shining through, continuing lighting up the very spark that had came in early 2013. People will have to come and go, friendships will have to be sacrificed, but nevertheless I am grateful for the meeting of every person in 2013 and the years to come; past, present and future.

Playing dangerously for a friendship

It was hard finding someone who liked to travel like I did. My own girlfriends were either too busy or simply have no interest of heading anywhere further than the east, while the boyfriend of course had to rush home early all the time and can't go any further than his own turfs.

Sure, it's great to travel alone around the country, but sometimes I do get lonely. Sometimes I'd want to be with someone while I'm walking along an unfamiliar place, so I can share the joy, you know??? And, someone who also knows the way around the roads so when I'm out of ideas, they can lead the way, you know???

I did come across someone like that. It was unexpected, he was the type who would reply your tweets with random things, and from the few conversations I had with him on Twitter, I found out he was almost a master of Singapore roads, even more so than me. He liked to travel and explore around the country too.

So who is he? He's actually 'Aamir's secondary school classmate, whose name I did not know until he told me: Zul. This guy followed me when 'Aamir and I were having that argument which led to our last breakup. 'Aamir told me he was tweeting "Woah, couple fight. Let me get my popcorn", at that same moment, and that was how I'd called him "the Popcorn dude" whenever i talked about him with 'Aamir.

I told 'Aamir about how Zul liked to travel as well, and that I wanted to make friends with him. I asked him if we could go out with him someday to go walk around the purple line or something, but of course 'Aamir said no. He said Zul is a flirt and that I must stay away from him.

I thought it was really unfair; if he didn't like me going out with another guy alone, why not come along then? Of course not, because no matter what he'd still be dead against going exploring with me, whether or not with me alone or with me and another guy. How unfair is that?

So one day this Zul was tweeting about a dream he had, and I thought it was interesting. I DM-ed him to tell me more about it, because I'd wanted to blog about it. I was just being a journalist, interviewing someone, you know? I guess our friendship formed from there.

Of course, I kept it from 'Aamir. He would've killed me if he had known, and even if I'd wanted to be honest with him, he still wouldn't accept it. I don't think you could blame me though; there he was refusing to go for simple walks with me, and here came a new friend who gladly would.

There was that one time when 'Aamir hurt me and cheated my feelings so bad, that I went for a walk from Tiong Bahru to Farrer Road 'alone'. Except I wasn't alone; this Zul brought me. He led the way because I wasn't so familiar yet, and we talked about all the little things in our lives along the roads, in the drizzle, and over a cup of hot tea.

And this other time when I skipped my afternoon class to go skating with him, because there was a 5-hour break in between that and the morning lesson, and I wasn't bothered to wait that long.

I'd gone to Punggol straight after morning class where I snacked on Hello Pandas while waiting for Zul to arrive on his longboard, which was bigger than I'd thought. He passed me my parcel, a trade from Carousell which I'd used his address to receive it from, and we went off to Punggol park for a little walk.

He had to teach me how to ride since I'm shit at skating, but I could say I was slowly getting the hang of it. The last time I rode one, I hadn't known how to change direction but with the help of the Popcorn dude, I was a genius!!!

Still, when I was on the board [since there was only one between us] he had to hold me by my backpack and pull me along slowly. It felt like the time my dad taught me how to cycle, when he'd pull me along like that, even with the training wheels.

And then I got lazy to skate on my own; this was the fun part. I sat at the front of the board while Zul stood at the back and just drove us through the park. We were going fast through puddles and rough grounds, almost like a rollercoaster!!! Yes, that moment is unforgettable.

Also, I got to know so much about this friend, and he's the opposite of what 'Aamir said he was. He's nice, he's cool, and he isn't a flirt because he's been in love with the same girl for years. The only reason why he looks at girls all the time and ask for numbers and shit is because he wants to move on.

I had so much fun that day and I so badly wanted to tell 'Aamir all about it but he wasn't supposed to know. I couldn't blog about it as well, but well, since I'd come clean with him two days ago, here you go. The year is ending, and by tomorrow I'd be able to add Zul to my list of People Who Made Me Smile in 2013, because he simply deserves recognition for being the reason to the few of my smiles in the year. :-)

P.s. Hands which shaped my 2012.

The real birthday outing

I really mean it when I say "I give up all the time but I try again just as much". Two days after the failed surprise for 'Aamir's birthday, I was invited on yet another outing. I told his tertiary friends in the Whatsapp group that no, I don't want to come. What's more, he and I just had an argument and I seriously thought it wouldn't be worth it to see his bloody face.

But the next day, Saturday the 28th of December, I was up and about in the morning, and heading to Jurong East at 1 in the afternoon to try and surprise him one more time. This time I just wore a plain sweater, ugly green jeans and my old pink Converse.

Me being the only Eastern resident I was kind of late, but of course, not as late as the Malaysian boy. I had to walk around on my own around Jem while waiting for 'Aamir to gather with Naqib, Farhan and Marcus. I was still a surprise after all, having told him an hour before that I couldn't make it. Such despicable.

I was halfway to JCube where they said they were at, when Farhan said they were walking towards Jem instead. I got into a fit of panic and tried to hide, telling them not to walk here, don't walk here! In the end I saw them in the distance, with everyone's backs towards me except for Farhan who was looking at me, waiting for me to make my move.

So I floated to them, careful not to make a sound even when everyone else in public was chatting away and masking whatever sound I could possibly have made. I locked in on the target and BAM! jumped onto his back and wrapped my arms around his neck, exclaiming into his ear, "RAH!"

All 'Aamir could say was, "OH MAK KAU PEYH LAKI Why are you here?! Aaaahh!! Why are you here omgah!! I thought you weren't coming!!" So I guess you could say it was a successful mission!

I didn't know there was a new mall called Westgate!? We headed there and all had Long John Silver's for lunch, with Marcus buying Texas Chicken from next door and smuggling that in. As usual, the faggot boyfriend stole my fries and even a shrimp from me [I really still can't forgive him for the shrimp], and the guys made me laugh just by being themselves.

Later on Marcus gave 'Aamir a present, which was this weird looking mouse, much like the ones my little brother and I had seen some time back. The one he'd said was specially for gamers. 'Aamir seemed to really like it, and it made me feel bad that I hadn't gotten him anything, thanks to this grudge against birthdays.

Made our way back to JCube where we got tickets for 47 Ronin and slacked for an hour before it started. I'd gone off to Times while the guys went to the arcade, and yep. So many books I'd wanted. I could have bought every single one I wanted, but of course in the end I just left without buying anything. A rarity, you could say.

47 Ronin was alright, I was expecting myself to not like it at all, but I had to admit I did. Though the experience itself was fucked up because someone had rung the fire alarm, and announcements were going on and on in the theater; isn't so fun being in a multi-racial country because all the announcements just had to come in all 4 languages before it started another round. I could barely focus on the movie.

Afterwards, when it was just 'Aamir and me, we headed to H&M at Jem, though it took quite a bit of persuasion to get him to go there. I was looking through at the girly clothes when he admitted that he preferred me when I was still that "t-shirt/cardigan jeans and Converse" girl.

All I had to say to him was "You can't expect me to be that way forever. I have to change eventually."

He pulled me to the guys' section where he looked for the ideal sweater, and his preferences just kept changing, maybe because he was too damn picky. No I don't want with the zips. No the green one like nice only. No I want with hood. In the end he settled for the maroon hooded sweater, and he also picked out a simple navy one for me.

At the end of it, he said it was time to go home, but not before I pulled him towards the back of the MRT station where we could sit and talk. The year was ending and I had to tell him everything; "I have to tell you this, you have to listen and I don't mind if you leave because I'm prepared for that."

"What's it about..?" he asked, with the suddenly serious look in his eyes.

"It's just... Something I did behind your back. Just listen, and afterwards if you want to leave, I'd understand."

I told him. At the end of it, he didn't leave after all. He just sat there looking at me, with his eyes which I weren't sure meant anger or hurt or understanding. I'm still not sure how he felt but he accepted it, and didn't make a huge fuss over it. We parted for our respective ways home, with not one but a few hugs.

As for whoever is reading this, I'm gonna blog about what the suspense is all about in my next post. To you it may be nothing when you read it, but when whatever it was happened, I was so sad because I wasn't allowed to blog about the fun I had those days. And when it was over, I also couldn't write my sadness about it here because 'Aamir wasn't allowed to know. Now that I've come clean with him I should be able to tell you soon too, just in time before the year ends, so I can include this person in my list of people who made me smile in 2013.

More reason for hate

You've only had five hours of sleep. You get up in the early morning, force yourself out of bed and head to the shower. For once, you'd already decided last night what you were gonna wear; something different, yet doesn't show any of that 'tried too hard' effort. The only such outfit you can draw from your ton of clothes.

So what's so special about today? Well... It's your boyfriend's birthday! He's finally turned 17, one year and a half after you did. He's always told you stories about his previous birthdays, about how he's never had anything special on it, since it's always the holidays and he doesn't meet anyone from school to spend time with him.

This year, it's going to be different. You were added to a Whatsapp group with his tertiary classmates, these amazing people you've made friends with in the course of your relationship. They were planning a surprise for him, and the reason why you slept late last night is because everyone was up, planning it all.

Your shady past led to your dislike of birthdays, hate even. You'd spent the entire year not daring to utter the words "Happy Birthday", and refusing to accept entry of the phrase into your ears on your own special day. You agreeing to be part of today is a huge sacrifice on your part; and he'd know it.

A huge part of you have faith in today. You want to believe that today might be the day your hate for birthdays dissolve, and you can start wishing people Happy Birthday once 2014 comes crashing, just like a normal person.

The reason you are up early is because you're heading to the place of your boyfriend's girl best friend, to bake a cake for your beloved. You've always wanted to do this for him, and this is a perfect chance. You can hardly contain your excitement, and you even start imagining the very moment when you're gonna surprise your boy from behind! That's what his friends had planned; for them to not mention a word about you and BAM! have you sneak up on him and surprise him that you really are here!

You are certain nothing will go wrong. You so highly believe that this is it; you're not gonna hate birthdays anymore.

It's a little before noon and you are halfway through the Circle Line journey to Bishan when you receive texts on the Birthday Surprise Whatsapp group. You can't believe what you're seeing: your boyfriend can't make it out. Because his mother doesn't allow him.

You get in a rage. Who wouldn't? It's his fucking birthday for fuck's sake! Finding out that it's because everyone is out and he has to take care of his youngest brother just pisses you off \more. He has so many other older siblings! Are they not even gonna sacrifice their outing for the birthday boy to be able to go out!?

After all the anger, and that few tears that escape from your frowning eyes, you try to calm yourself down. You look down at your outfit, and laugh at yourself for dressing up. Hah. Now you're convinced that birthdays are made to be hated.

____

I had fun today with Mel, Naqib, Farhan, Marcus and Yazid, though all we did was have lunch and Skype the birthday cunt and walk around Plaza Sing. I didn't even feel out of place anymore even without the boyfriend around.

I've interacted with the rest quite a few times already but today was the first time talking with Marcus. We talked mostly about Pokemon and he even let me use his 3DS XL to play X. Afterwards Naqib, Yazid and I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty [which was awesome thanks to Ben Stiller]. How I love everything about it, from the story to the humour to the videography to the philosophy and of course Ben Stiller. 

So anyway, I am damn tired right now, so I'm just gonna end this here. Thank you again to the people who made my day today, although things got a bit cocked up here and there.

A long post of realisation

What this post will contain if you would read it til the end:

• the realisation that electricity and circuitry are so fucking interesting
• the realisation that my current course is what I was born for 
• the realisation that Singapore will never recognise me as a famous blogger
• the realisation that I'm not gonna be in the media industry after all. 

____

You know, the programming I'm doing right now isn't anything new to me. Yes, it being a repeated module I have learnt it last semester, but me being on Blogger for a few years now, I've also played with codes namely HTML. I've made quite a few of these things called blogskins, and I do have a profile on the page but I'm not gonna tell you.

So anyway, to be honest C Programming already looked so easy on the first day I sat for the lesson. It was my laziness and bad attitude that made me screw it up last semester. In fact, I'd started skipping the lessons altogether, but in my own time I had learnt all about branching and loops on my own. That's how natural I was with all these codes.

It was still too late, I hadn't passed up my previous assignments and I'd screwed up the practical tests because of my negligence, so that's why I had to retake the module. And here I am, back in Programming with a vengeance, getting straight A's on my Ceilidh assignments and getting full marks for my practical test literally on my first attempts.

I gotta admit, programming is so much fun on its own, whether or not it's a school module. I'd always had fun with HTML, though I don't use those for my current blog due to my laziness.

On the other side of the story, we all know how fascinated I've always been with the MRT Lines. This fascination evolved into a passion, even with the roads along Singapore. How I love getting around the country on buses, special thanks to the wonderful idea of bus concession.

I'm sure you've seen those boards with the estimated arrivals of the next bus. Well, they're not at every bus stop of course, just a few that are mainly near MRT stations. And I'm not talking about the ones at bus interchanges, but bus stops.

Admittedly I'd never paid attention to them because I use Iris, but just the other day I decided to stare at the one at Paya Lebar since I was sitting right next to it, and of course... I got very fascinated.

It especially amazed me how those little circles were lighted up individually to form a number with the other circles. Stared at it for as long as I could but I knew I'd never find out how the circuits worked underneath that thing. It was far more complex than the shit I did with the LED 7-segment display thing.

It just made me wonder: how does the LTA transfer the information to this board, and the boards you see on MRT platforms? How do the circles light up accordingly, following this information? I so badly wanted to know!!!

The past few days, or weeks maybe, Berita had been talking about the new Downtown Line. Of course this news will always draw my attention. But guess what? It didn't make me excited to be a reporter or to travel the new line; it made me excited to work in the Land Transport Authority when I grow up.

Just imagine working in the LTA. Do they plan the future MRT lines by scanning the roads of Singapore onto the back of their mind, and drawing an imaginary route along where is best? Do they loom over the current maps of the MRT system and decide which two stations are too far apart and could be connected nearer and easier? Believe it or not, that sounds so fucking fun.

Who would have thought that I'd actually feel the need to excel in my current course, to feed these new sudden passions? My course being Electronics and Computer Engineering; now I actually feel like I was born to be here. Like me being here isn't a coincidence or a bad thing after all. [only realising this one and a half semester into the course... right]

So... Tadah! Maybe my modules do have a reason in  life after all.

On another side of this story, I'm not that sure about my dream of being a writer anymore. It's been ten years and some since I started writing, yes. It's been tens of times I announced I'd keep going on and on to fulfill my dreams, every time I decide to give up writing.

But this time, I guess I've had it. I did so much thinking, and I guessed writing isn't for me. I did some research on "Singapore's popular bloggers", and all they ever care about is chiobus and Blogshop models and cute and pretty pictures. I can never do that, okay? And I will never.

Pretty ironic that the comments in these lists are asking for sincere writers. I saw some people commenting how they do like these certain bloggers, but how they wish they know those who really do write and not flood their posts with advertorials. I could just wave my hand and scream Yoohoo, I'm right here! Hey! but no. No matter how hard I try, I'll never get the attention of that many readers.

I thought of how it'd be like if I wrote books. The farthest I'd get my books to is probably just within the country. With Singapore so small, I would've known half the people of this generation by the time I start a career. Would anyone really read a book that has my name on it?

No, knowing my place in the current society, not a chance. I can just imagine those people from my secondary school, who unfollowed me on Twitter because I was probably annoying as fuck, or the people from Naqib E'zuwan's social life who only know me as his sister, just rolling their eyes and not giving a shit if they saw a book that I wrote.

Also another thing, most of the well-known bloggers are Chinese. Wouldn't it be nice to be one of the first few Malays to be a famous blogger in Singapore? It'd be fucking awesome. Because after all, it's just my fucking race and I'd do whatever to bring light on the Malay society here.

But I don't know. It's a thin chance. I'd say I should stay and keep fighting, but... I just don't feel that fight in me anymore. I'm damn tired of trying, knowing that society won't fucking read my stuff.

And that's why I'm gonna focus more on engineering. Yep I've said this many times already, how I should put away my writing and prioritise all these engineering shit but I could never get it in my head; writing and blogging just brings me energy and life more than you know. It's hard to give up, but what else can I do???

I'd still blog about my random little stories, and post my links on Twitter when I've written a new post, but rest assured I'm not gonna try as hard anymore. Let whoever reads this read it, I don't care. I'm just gonna travel from now, around Singapore, and find a way into the road/transport industry when I grow up.

Done with all that wanting to be in the media field. Fucking done.

A little story from last Christmas

Despite 2012 becoming my worst year of my life ever and blah blah, dreading Hari Raya or family outings and school and exams... But actually, last year was probably my first and last year being so excited for Christmas.

At that time I had this one friend I'd call up if there's ever anything. He was the one who taught me to cycle early last year, and who was basically there for me the whole time. He'd actually done a lot for me, but that's not what this post is about. My relationship and even friendship with him ended a long time ago, and there's no use bringing up the joy I'd had with him.

I just remembered him, and a few of the things with him that made me smile. Particularly the time with him during Christmas season. He's a Christian, for all I remember. Was he? He should be, and that was why I too was so excited for the day.

Because he was my only friend, I had lots of time to ponder about what to get him for Christmas. I wanted to get something he would use, and I couldn't think of anything other than a lighter. I had my doubts at first because it was almost as if I was encouraging him to smoke. But really, our relationship practically built on our smoking habits back then.

I didn't get those cheap ones, but this stainless steel one that was fucking gorgeous. [would have gotten one for myself if I'd had more money] Of course, to make it more special, I had it engraved. His name is Nicholas Jude, and for short I called him Niccy J. Probably was the only person who ever called him that.

So that was what I got engraved on the very special lighter. Oh how pumped up I was to quickly give it to him. Of course before I did, I kept playing with the damn lighter. Kept lighting it up for my own use, because it was just too damn beautiful, what with the engraving. My goodness. I swear if I hadn't stopped smoking I'd probably have a dozen of those lighters by now.

If I remember correctly I only managed to get it into his hands a few days after Christmas itself, probably 3-4 days. He really liked it a lot, and of course he used it.

Funny thing was, the very next day, the lighter ran out of gas/fuel, whatever it's called. Was it because I used too much of it before I gave it to him? Or was it because I gave him too much stress that he was smoking so much and thus using up all the gas in the lighter?

I'll never know, because he disappeared by the third day of the new year, his 18th birthday. Never got the chance to talk to him again, and I'm not sure what happened to the corpse of that very special lighter.

Either way, I find it a little amusing for an expensive lighter to run out of gas so quickly, just after it landed in the hands of its intended recipient. And thus, that's the story of

Last Christmas, I gave you a carved lighter
But the very next day, it ran out of gas

if you had seen that tweet.

It still makes me giggle.

7 against the world

The last time we went on a date was back in September. With 7 people in a clique, you can say it's not really that easy to find a day where we're all free at once. But of course when there's a will, there's always a way: the drive to meet one another forced us to find a day for an outing.

Since everyone was pretty much broke, we couldn't go shopping so we settled on a picnic instead. They hadn't wanted to go further than Pasir Ris, but I fought for my suggestion and they all agreed to head on to Marina Barrage. Hooray! The only time I'd been there was back 2 and a half years ago, and even then I hadn't really checked it out properly.

I felt bad that I hadn't brought anything on my part for the picnic, but looking at the spread of sandwiches and snacks and fried rice that everyone had brought, I felt relieved that I hadn't contributed to the amount of leftovers that were to come.

The sun was blaring but it was constantly shying away behind the clouds, and there was wind, so everyone was 50/50 on their gratitude to the weather. We found a spot at the side, laid out three mats and began passing food around. I loved everything that I ate!!!

While feasting we all took turns to update one another on our lives, from the oldest to the youngest. Siying had brought her flower crown which we propped on the head of the current speaker, along with a makeshift mike in the form of a corn cob.

The amount of sarcasm and lameness was too damn high that day, along with all the laughters. My turn came, being the 4th in line, and I told everyone what I'd been up to in studies, friendship (or lack of it), and fashion.

Seemed like I'd matured when I told them how my life has progressed along the year, but Asleah's turn to speak came and all thoughts of my having grown up quickly vanished.

At this point of time I was eating a chocolate muffin; Asleah was telling us about her course, when one of the girls piped up and asked: "So what do you do in class?" I was expecting a super intelligent answer, considering that she was in a design/IT course, maybe something like Oh I draw, Oh I design websites, shit like that.

But nope. Just as I was taking a large gulp of my lychee tea, she had to say in a matter-of-fact tone; "Oh, I watch videos." Bloody hell, her tone and answer collided with what I had in mind, and it resulted in me literally throwing out everything that was in my mouth.

I was a mess of tea and chocolate cake, and it was getting all over my shirt and jeans and hair. My goodness! I was coughing like crazy and everyone was staring and going Eeeeww!! They just threw me tissues so I could clean myself up, but I still could not control my little fit of giggles.

How embarrassing for me to have done that on our long awaited reunion. I'm so sorry, though I know they will never judge me for that because I've always been the most gross in the clique (;

Sabrina, the youngest of all had her turn to speak, and everyone was done. We all stood up and went over to the spot with lovely background for photos and videos (me). We played games til I didn't realise the sun had set, because I was having too much fun and laughing too hard.

I loved how we ganged up on Shushan when we were playing Happy Family, how we made sure the card that she needed wouldn't get to her. How we were just eventually telling each other which cards we needed and which we don't!

My favourite though, was the game of Murderer. How everyone was staring at anyone in the eye, waiting for someone to make a move. How Shushan was always the Police, and how everyone eventually got afraid to wink at her or in her watch. How Asleah suddenly decided that there'd be two murderers and how Pearl and I had winked at each other at the same time, ending up in confusion! Those little things will always be in my memory.

A great way to celebrate that all of us are now officially 18, with Shushan already turning 19 in a matter of weeks. Til the next clique outing. Maybe then I'd have enough footage and I can finally make a video to present to the girls.

A week of shopping and friends!

It's Friday night, and the week is over. I can't believe that I've actually spent the entire school week with friends!!! The week started off with the Sunday with my mother, and then came Monday which I thought I'd spent alone but decided to make an effort to meet some people.

[note: this is a very long post. You may take your time to read it.]

Monday, 9th December, 2013.

EW2.

My plan for Monday was to head to school and do some revision for EG1. But I had to go to Tampines to collect a Carousell purchase, so I got lazy to head to the west in the end. I called up Siying and ended up going to her school to study.

Of course we chatted a bit occasionally, and when we were both done studying. She went to do her test for a while before we set off to have an early dinner at the ITAS canteen. Chicken chop for me as always!!!

Took a walk to Design School afterwards, where we had a chat with Sabrina during her break. We came up with a ranking of the busiest to slackiest in the clique, because Sabrina was obviously the busiest, with her design assignments and committee stuff and stuff like that.

Then we came to the top two slackiest in our clique: Siying and I. Did a bit of calculation, and we realised that Siying had CCA and work, and some committee things as well, and she even moved up a rank ahead. In the end, who was the slackiest of all in the clique but ME.

Well it all made sense anyway, if you realised how much time I have to travel and loiter and just slack, compared to the other girls who are always on their assignments and CCAs and jobs and shit. Yeh!

It was all impromptu, but I'm glad to have gotten the chance to talk so much with the girls again. Siying was the one whom I've been the closest to longest, while Sabrina is the one who had loved me the most. (;

Tuesday, 10th December, 2013.

NS20 / NS13. 

So I had my first Common Test of Sem2, which is none other than EG1. I'd like to boast about how I completed a Maths test for the first time ever, and not by doing anyhow but properly. I even had to ask for extra paper because I ran out of space in the answer booklet. You have no idea how proud I am of myself!

I went to the library to do a bit of studying for DAELN, which is the most dreaded module of this semester. I didn't get much into my head before I decided to just leave for Novena. Listening to Pokemon soundtracks did not help because it just made me go into my I'm a Pokemon Master!!! mood.

So I'd never been to Novena before. I did some research and memory games to remember that I could take 54 from Bishan. But Wiki also said that there was 166 from Ang Mo Kio, so when I saw that bus 74 had arrived my school bus stop first, I decided to take that route.

I got on 166, and I thought I was such a genius!!! But guess what? A few minutes into the trip, I saw that 166 passed by a certain road which 52 from my school goes through. Just a few stops on 52 and I could have crossed the road to take that 166, but nope. I took the long way, thinking I was such a genius. You have no idea how pissed off I was at myself!

Well, I earned 10 bucks, before making my way to Yishun next. Oh at this point of time I was with Siying by the way! The girl had came all the way from Temasek Poly right after her test just to accompany me.

My mission in Yishun was to collect another item, a Topshop sweater for only $6 heheh. What a steal isn't it? It was originally 8 but if I was able to meet at the seller's convenience, I could have it for 6.

I met the seller, and the fact that she was a Malay surprised me! Of course, I had always stereotyped these sellers as Chinese girls. So here's what happened between the seller and I: she didn't have change for me, so I offered to pay her 10 for it instead.

She refused, and just gave me my sweater. She told me I'd just have to transfer her the money when I can. Can you imagine that? The amount of trust in me! It felt so good to be so trusted like that, so Siying and I immediately went on a hunt for a POSB machine.

Siying and I had our dinner after that. I got chicken rice, woohoo! Totally can't live without chicken.

We did some window shopping next, from this factory outlet to Cotton On to a store with Converse and Lee Cooper and Everlast all under one roof. Siying got two shorts from Cotton On while I got two graphic tees with these cats on them ^^

Siying and I tried on our items at Cotton On, and we got cubicles next to each other. Siying wanted to show me how she looked in her skirt but I was half naked and so she decided to crawl underneath the gap in between just to get to my cubicle!

So there was a 20% sale for Converse sneakers, which I was so tempted to get! $45 for a pair of Converse? Who could resist that?! Well, I did. I walked away from the shop and we headed home after that.

Wednesday, 11th December 2013. 

NS22 / NS13.

Second paper, and the last day of my common tests! I thought I could go on a date with 'Aamir. I asked him beforehand if he would go out with me on Wednesday. He said he'd see first, and I was hoping he could. But he couldn't.

He told me before I headed towards the exam venue, I swear I could hear my heart break when he told me that No, he's not meeting me today.

Along came a Science freak named Luqman, who told me he was going to town, so I thought I'd go with him. Hooray! A companion to go shopping with! And just as I was about to go into the exam hall, I met my classmates and other coursemates who wished me all the best for the paper. My mood lightened up a bit.

After the paper, I'd followed Shi Hui to hand in her assignment over at Block 52, where we also managed to take a few photos to commemorate the time we've spent together this semester. You should have seen how excited she was just to take photos with me!

Luqman still had his test so I went ahead to Bishan to do a bit of reading first, before taking bus 13 to Yio Chu Kang where his school is at. The damned barrel rushed me as if he had been waiting for an eternity, but I ended up waiting for him for 15 minutes because he "went off to meet a friend".

So his intention of going town was to get shoes. The last time I met him, he had shown us his shoes which were practically tearing apart. Well my intention of going to town was to head to H&M and check out their sales, and to Forever 21 because I'd honestly never shopped there!

But when Luke mentioned his shoes, I totally forgot all about myself. The whole time, all I had on my mind was shoes. Vans, because he specified that he wanted that shit. Just because he's my boyfriend's best friend, I felt like I had the duty to take care of him and to make sure that he's happy, in 'Aamir's place.

We walked out of Ion and towards Cathay, though it drizzled halfway through. We just walked in the rain acting cool when it got heavier so we dashed for shelter. So we crossed towards the H&M building, when he pointed out that Cathay was back over there. By this time the rain was quite heavy and it wasn't very nice to walk in it anymore. My hair was in a mess!

"Wait, I think I've got an umbrella." Luke said, so he rummaged through his bag to search for it. He took out a bunch of rubbish before tossing me a small piece of fabric.

"What the hell is this???"

"My umbrella cover!" he said, with a grin that looked so happy and proud of himself.

"Where's the umbrella then?"

"I didn't bring it."

So we had to run in the rain, across the road again, oh how scared as fuck I was.We got to the Vans, but he didn't see anything he wanted. He mentioned maroon, so we went on the hunt for that shit next. Of course, we passed by Pastamania and had an early dinner because the brat was hungry.

We had our meal, having a conversation, mostly about Science. What's a conversation with the Science freak if there's no Science involved? I guess he was so engrossed in his passion til he totally didn't realise the time. We quickly set off again, back to Ion where he said there was Vans.

He didn't see anything he wanted; he wanted the black one with these leather bits, and its price was okay but there was this patch of tartan that ruined the whole thing in his opinion. In the end, the brat decided he'd be okay with Converse, so we walked one round to find the store.

Mm, we spent an eternity in front of the display of sneakers, him looking at which ones he'd like and me suggesting this and asking that and shit. He narrowed it down to the grey and the brown ones, and in the end, he finally settled on the grey.

GUESS WHAT? So we asked for a size 9 of that shit... and... there weren't anymore... the biggest size... was size 6. How sad we were.

So I thought of something. I thought of the sale at Yishun which Siying and I had seen. So Luke and I, we decided to make that our next and last destination.

He found the exact grey sneakers which he had taken a liking to earlier, but I guess we were down in luck, because they ran out of size 9 too. He started searching for alternatives. The navy blue? The brown? But he seemed to find flaws in every other pair. Does this match with my other jeans? This looks nicer if the base is white. 

We sat there, not knowing what to do, just looking at all the shoes on display. We must have looked so miserable then, when all of a sudden something caught his eye.

He looked at the price. NOT TOO BAD. He asked for that in size 9. THERE WAS SIZE 9. He put it on. IT MATCHED WITH HIS JEANS. He stood up and walked about. IT WAS A PERFECT FIT.

Oh, the joy on his face then. The brat had finally found a perfect pair of shoes! It was a pair of brown Everlast with a white base and laces. The price was okay too, and what's more there was a 20% discount. He settled on that, as well as a pack of Converse socks. Damn you should have seen how his face lighted up. It wasn't what he had initially wanted. How unexpectedly love came.

It was my turn to look at the Converse sneakers. I'd been wanting to get a dark-coloured pair so that my feet wouldn't look so huge when I wear my pink ones with black skinnies. I was hesitant because I'd spent a lot already, but there was a ghost brat next to me who could only say: "Buy it lah, YOLO." So I told him I'm gonna get this shit, please make sure I don't change my mind.

5 minutes later, we were at the counter paying for our shoes; Luke with his Everlast and socks and me with my navy blue Converse. Woowoo! I couldn't resist it, nope I could not.

Parted on the platform of Yishun station, where our trains both came at the same time; him towards Marsiling and me to Bishan to change to the Circle Line.

Thursday, 12th of December, 2013.

EW1 / NS22. 

Aha. My first time buying books on Carousell. Siying and Pearl helped me collect my purchase because I was super late, and I'm so satisfied with the condition of the books! Only $12 for a total of 3 books (;

Sabrina was there too, so all 4 of us made our way to Pearl's humble abode. Pearl lives in a bungalow, and the amount of photogenic spots to take your Ootd's were too high. I raided her closet as well and looking at all her pretty clothes, her outfits would be a perfect match for all these pretty backgrounds. Damn.

After feasting on fried rice, we made chocolate ice blended, with a recipe which Siying came up with on the spot. We stuffed our mouths with chocolates as well, though I didn't really like the mint M&Ms.

Hah. We went up to Pearl's room, and that was when the chaos began. We webcamwhored like crazy, using all kinds of whacky effects with all kinds of poses. I was in the middle, so all the effects were always focused on me, especially the shit which bends your face in and stretches your neck and all that! I was made a laughing stock, even by myself!

Pearl turned on Christmas songs on Youtube, and when she played 12 days of Christmas, I got fascinated with the format of that song. I sat there watching everything repeat at each cycle, until the part with the 5 golden rings came on. How happy that part made me!

Each time 5 golden rings came, we all sang our hearts out to that part. Eventually we weren't even listening to the song; we were just waiting for the 5 golden rings part to come so we could sing it!

Well, we ended up watching these colour songs; Grandma's got a little red car, little red little red little red red red red car. It's so annoying now but I swear at that moment it had us all so thoroughly entertained! We left Pearl's house with that song still on our tongues.

I rushed home immediately, to have a change of clothes before I went out again, in my white chiffon top and maroon maxi skirt. I headed off to Orchard Road, to meet who else but my little brother and mom.

I couldn't help it, but I ketuk my mom like crazy! Ketuk is just a word which means "hit"; my family uses that word to mean "when getting someone to treat you".

First stop, H&M! I collected loads of pieces to try before I settled on this long-sleeved polka dot blouse, because it had this retro feel to it, and a sweater with an acid-washed colour to it. I asked mom if we could go to Forever 21 next, because I'd never shopped there.

Again, I got myself many pieces to try on; and this point of time my little brother was so damn tired of following me around, so I had speed change in the fitting room, before settling on only the grey raglan pullover with green sleeves. Woowoo!! How happy I was that my mom was paying for everything!

She sent me home on a taxi afterwards, where she jokingly complained to my brother about how she had just given me a hundred bucks and I still wanted to ketuk her. Well mommy, you didn't spend a single cent on me for a year after all dear mommy.

You should have heard how she talked to the taxi driver. She's so darn good with all her roads! Guess I'll never be like her.

Friday, 13th of December, 2013.

EW2.

Last day of the week, what better way to celebrate Friday than with good old chicken choppe. Headed to Temasek Poly to meet Siying and Sabrina; this duo found so many reasons to pair up and bully me today! To think that I was supposed to be a guest at their school!

Siying and I sent Sab off to the School of Design, before we made our way to Tampines on bus 69, yummy. New Look, Tampines 1, was our first look, and we were hovering at the entrance when the salesgirl with the box came over and told us to draw a coupon.

I received a "Spend $50 and get $15 off", which was quite a steal. We saw that we had to redeem our gifts by the day itself, so we spent some time in there doing some massive search for a perfect dress and for me; jeans. Yes, I was still hell bent on finding a  perfect pair of high-waisted jeans.

AND I FOUND THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!! I tried it on and it was so freaking gorgeous I just had to!! Siying found a bag which she thought was cute but couldn't decide if she really needed it; I being her personal devil, whispered to her: Buy it, you've got nothing to lose, you can only use that coupon today, it looks cute on you, you need that shit and in the end I won, woohoo.

My jeans had a discount, which meant I still had leftover space to fulfill the $50 amount needed to use my voucher. I settled for this grey tee with faux leather short sleeves. How happy I was to leave the store with my purchases!

Siying had to go after that, but along came Sabrina again, so she and I had our own window shopping around T1. Our last destination was UrbanWrite, where I found this diary with.... an.... MRT map at the back. Sabrina was like, "WOW, it's like it was made just for you." IT REALLY WAS MADE FOR ME!

We sat at the stairs while she ate her pretzel and I shared with her my New Look loots.

And there we have it. My entire school week. A week of exams, shopping, and friends.

If you hadn't realised, I hadn't met 'Aamir this entire week. The last time we met was last Friday, and I'd cried to him about how lonely I was. He told me to make effort myself, because you don't have to worry about the pull if you make enough push. As long as I make effort, the rest will all fall into place.

If it hadn't been for him I wouldn't have met my mom on Sunday; I wouldn't have asked Siying out on Monday and Tuesday; I wouldn't have joined Luqman to town on Wednesday.

Thank you to everyone who had spent their time with me this week, only you will know how much fun I had with you. And thank you for reading this long post of mine, I'll see you soon (;

My family / and a teacher.

Going to Pasir Ris has always been a terrible idea ever since Paya Lebar became my new home. The heavy rain doesn't make it any better, so I decide to wear a dull and depressed outfit out; a grey tee, black tank, a black and white cardigan along with black skinnies and boots. Nothing bright, not even my eyes.

It'll be the first time in a long time I am gonna meet her. The last time she talked to me, she yelled at me and hit me in front of my uncles, in my aunt's house, and even yelled to all of us she was cutting off all ties with me.

And in the past, she was always dissing me for my lack of fashion sense and the way my hair covered my eyes. I always had this feeling that she secretly thought I was ugly. Because in her eyes I was never her idea of a perfect daughter.

My grandmother tells me to kiss her hand when she reaches. I tell her straightout no, and she insists that I do because she is my mother. I scowl and answer; "Not like she kisses your hand either." she grins at my understanding and I laugh back at her, knowing we both feel a certain pain from the same person.

She looks behind me and says with a grin, "They're here they're here." I look to where she's facing and I see my little brother, taller than I remember, but still like the nerd I knew. He kisses my hand first and then while he kisses my grandmother's, my mother sticks out her hand to me. I hesitantly take it and kiss it, and she bends down to kiss her own mother's hand.

I can not stand the oh-so-tearful reunion any longer, so I get up and announce that I'm heading to Popular. That's why I wanted to come to Pasir Ris anyway; because I have these $5 off coupons which can only be used at the Whitesands outlet. My brother follows me.

Of course, the first thing I do is to irritate the hell out of him. I call him all the names I used to call him in the past, things like nerd and bongs and bitch. [just so you know, Bongs is a short form of bongok and bongsu, if you get it, hahahaha] I mess up his hair which he'd spent time waxing, and on many occasions trip him successfully.

Our first stop is Popular, of course. I spend quite a while looking at all kinds of books before settling for the Hunger Games trilogy. The set is cheaper than I expected, what's more with my coupon. I hold them in my arms while hunting for the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books that my brother is looking for. This takes a while, and we both say; "Ni kalau ada ular dah kene patuk.", something which our mother always said to us when something is right underneath our noses.

He looks at all the mouses at the IT section, and I point out how ugly I thought they were. He scoffs and says in a boastful tone; "These are mouses specially for gamers." I immediately laugh and answer; "But you're not even a gamer." and he gives me his "I am not amused" duckface.

Later on, my mother asks me if I'd like to buy a pair of flats from Cotton On. She says they'd be cheaper in twos, so I pick out these silver ones with knotted ribbons on them. I don't even have to try them on; I ask my mom what size did she take, and I already know they'd be fine for me as well.

Over our early dinner, she gives me a hundred dollars as shopping money. I take it without a smile or word, and my grandmother snaps at me; "Don't know how to say thank you?" so I thank my mother.

I get home and I try the shoes. As expected, the shoes are a perfect fit. My feet have always been the same size as hers, and that's probably the only thing we have in common; my own mother will always be a million times more beautiful than I am.

____

Today went surprisingly well, I suppose. But now, I'm caught in between. My mother said that she and my dad had spent time painting my room and cleaning it up, and that I could move in anytime soon. I'd like to have my room back, but I don't want to be without any cats.

She mentioned that my dad really wants me back home, but why can't he say so himself? If he had the guts to shoo me away why can't he even send me a text personally asking me to come home? He's the one who broke my heart the most, and he's the only one among my family who has never even once tried to contact me.

You'd probably tell me to go back to Pasir Ris, but it's not as easy as you think. I can't risk it. I can't risk being unhappy in there again. I've cried enough in my room all alone, and I'm afraid the same thing would happen again if I ever go back there. I'm afraid of not belonging, because it has after all been a year.

It may seem like just a while, but have you ever tried being without your family for that long, without even calling or texting them as well? Even after a year of being without my secondary school girlfriends, I still feel left out when they talk about their memories of the times I weren't with them. It feels the same regarding my parents and brothers.

Another thing which just made me upset half an hour ago; today was Ms Adimah's wedding. And I only found out when I saw a just-uploaded Instagram picture. She invited her other students but not me? She mentioned her wedding to me since August, and that she'd give me the exact date and details soon. She said it would be the end of the year, and I was waiting for her to text me again about it.

I can't believe she forgot about me... After all those letters I wrote to her in the pink notebook, after all the tears she had seen me shed to her in the classroom, after saving me from cigarettes and nausea and seeing me laid down at a void deck crying my heart out on an O Level exam night... Was I really still so insignificant that she had forgotten to invite me for her one and only wedding...?

You have no idea how sad I am about this right now. I'm crying, ugh. I thought I was somebody. I was so excited to have a chance to wear kain songket.

Go for it.

Watched Frozen with 'Aamir yesterday, and of course, Walt Disney does it again; it was a great movie. I'm not gonna spoil things for anyone who's planning to watch it, but I'm gonna talk about one thing from the movie which got to me, made me think of most people out there, myself included.

We all have dreams. Even if you say you don't, you still can't deny that there are things in life which you'd like to do and experience. Even if it's something small like donating or going to USS for the first time; these tiny things are still called dreams.

So we met this character in Frozen called Olaf; a snowman who dreams of summer. He dreams of experiencing summer someday, and even sings about how happy he would be if summer ever came to him.

The first thing 'Aamir, and basically everyone in the cinema, did was laugh. I did too, because I thought it was funny that a snowman would want to be under the sun, even if it was what he wanted to experience. Then it dawned on me; we were laughing at somebody's dream.

Just because he's a snowman, we all think that it's impossible for him to achieve his dream of being in summer. With other people too, we laugh when we think they can't do it.

But stop laughing. Stop bringing others down. There's no need for phrases like "Art has no future" for someone artistic. There's no reason to bring down people whom you think aren't good-looking if they say they want to be an actor or model. Having no money doesn't restrict you from any traveling at all. And when it comes to your dreams, you can't give yourself these excuses either.

Whether it's something you want to be when you are older, or just a small wish on your bucket list, just go for it, no matter how impossible it seems.

As for myself, my current dream is still to be a writer. Honestly I'm not sure what writer I'd want to be exactly, be it author, filmmaker, or journalist. Perhaps all of them. Maybe you'd laugh at me because you think my writing sucks, or that my video-editting is immature, or that someone with social anxiety can't be a journalist. But no matter what, these possibilities will always be my dreams.

This guy at the library

I fucked around in Choa Chu Kang yesterday and the day before, for no reason really. Just felt like it. I walked around, I sat down, either way observing people around me. 

Just yesterday I spent about 3 or 4 hours sitting at the library just reading my book. Took a break to have lunch with 'Aamir at his school before coming back to continue reading. 

So this guy came along, quite well-dressed with jeans and sneakers [that's what I call nicely dressed, shut up] and sits down right next to me. Judging from the skin colour and the face, I could tell he was Malay because he just looked the part. [is that judging? But it was really obvious okay]

At this point of time I was looking at my book but I wasn't reading. I was looking at him. Not because he was hot and not because I was checking him out; I just had this sudden feeling to see what he was up to. 

He took out his headphones, plugged them into his ear, and took out a reading material. Upon closer inspection I saw that it was a comic, though I'm not sure what comic exactly. I saw Wonder Woman in a frame though, I think. 

So his headphones were on full blast, and at first hearing I heard some metal. But that changed; he pressed a few buttons [it was an iPod... the kind with buttons, because I could hear the click of the buttons when he was going through his playlist] and came the song It's Raining Men. 

Alright, so I got a little impressed that he played that song instead of the metal, I thought it was because he was reading and wanted something less noisy to accompany him. I was expecting some other classics or oldies to come after that. 

Later on I realised that he was just playing the same song over and over again; It's Raining Men. And the stranger thing about it was, he was constantly just pressing something like a "next track" button because I could hear the starts of other metal songs before his iPod settled on It's Raining Men. 

Right to the moment I left, he was doing the same thing: manually playing the same song on repeat [is it not possible to set to 'repeat current track'???] while calmly reading his comic.

I don't know, I find it so strange and funny, like it's something worth sharing and that's why I decided to write about this here. If it's not, then too bad, you still read it anyway. 

The speech that I just cocked up

All around the world, humans use animals for many different reasons. Some keep them as pets, some use them for transport, for food, for their farm work. Some keep them for display, like hobbyists or the zoo. 

Just because of these reasons, some humans think these animals are subjected to their whatever bidding. They think they can treat these animals the way they want to. 

Neglecting the well-being of animals; torturing or killing animals for the sake of pleasure or sport; in other words: animal abuse. 

There've been many cases of animal abuse; most of which go unreported. Probably because the media feels these are not important, not worth telling the whole world about. Why? To protect their sense of humanity?

Have you realised that animals' intelligence are based on how well they are able to obey a human's command? Relatively, a human's mentality is judged off their behaviour that makes them like an animal. Why this comparison? 

As time goes on, the word 'humanity' doesn't make sense anymore. Animals are showing more sense of humanity than humans are. People abuse and kill animals, but animals rarely bother humans, only on occasions of self-defence. Humans go to forests to disturb animals and destroy their homes, but you don't see bears coming to the city to eat your food (only if they're lost though).

Humans think they are so high and mighty just because they can do what they want, but in actual fact, animals are so much more intelligent. 

Do you ever help your classmate of the same class when they are having trouble with their schoolwork? Well, geese who are in formation immediately stop flying if one of them are tired or sick, and wait until it gets better again before they continue flying. This shows how "human" these animals really are, compared to people. 

What I'm trying to say is: animals are equal to us, if not a higher league than us. They do not deserve any abuse; they have the rights to live in peace without you hurting them. You don't see lions or wolves keeping men as pets and torturing them. They have their own lives to lead, and so do we. Keep up with your own life, and stay out of the animals'. 

____

Wrote this in preparation for my speech. I just screwed it up twice the last 5 minutes :-)

The origin of chain messages

Read this some time ago, just thought I'd share it with the handful of my friends who come my blog regularly. Just so you know, I'm writing this from memory and in my own words, so I may have left out some facts or shit like that.

It's your choice to believe this or not, but one thing's for sure, I'll always get goosebumps whenever I think of it, and rush through my shower when I happen to remember it in the bathroom.

I'm not sure what year it was, probably in the 1960's or 70's. A girl was having her shower when she heard a faint sound of a girl's voice. She tried to make out where it was coming from, and apparently its source was... the water pipes???

She listened harder, and the voice turned into a giggle. She got scared, and called out to her mom; who of course told her it was probably just her imagination, and told her to quickly go to bed after her shower.

Her mother thought nothing of it, and went to bed with her daughter in her own room. In the middle of the night, a scream was heard. The mother dashed to her girl's room, to find her missing. A few hours or was it days later, her daughter was found at the bottom of the well, with her throat slit.

This girl wasn't the only one. In the neighbourhood, three other girls too went missing from their bedrooms and died the same way.

So who was the murderer?

Some time ago, before the first girl's life was taken, she and the other three girls were constantly bullying their quiet classmate. They tormented her and pushed her down a well, where she'd knocked her head against the wall, and had broken her neck at an awkward angle.

Their school announced her death, and when asked, these 4 bullies said that she had been the one who had seeked trouble with them; that she was pushed down the well only by accident, out of self-defence.

This story spread across the school like wildfire. Everyone was gossiping about a dead schoolmate... The spirit had gotten angry because everyone had chosen to believe her bullies. She couldn't let them all get away with it like that, so; she decided to take their lives the same way she had died.

Anyone else who believed the bullies' side of the story would also be on her victims list.

That is why, according to those chain messages: if you don't believe this spirit's side of the story or spread the message about her innocence, she'll hunt you down and kill you. Just like what she did with her bullies.

Who knows, if you don't retweet this blog post, she'd consider you as her next victim.