A long post of realisation

What this post will contain if you would read it til the end:

• the realisation that electricity and circuitry are so fucking interesting
• the realisation that my current course is what I was born for 
• the realisation that Singapore will never recognise me as a famous blogger
• the realisation that I'm not gonna be in the media industry after all. 

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You know, the programming I'm doing right now isn't anything new to me. Yes, it being a repeated module I have learnt it last semester, but me being on Blogger for a few years now, I've also played with codes namely HTML. I've made quite a few of these things called blogskins, and I do have a profile on the page but I'm not gonna tell you.

So anyway, to be honest C Programming already looked so easy on the first day I sat for the lesson. It was my laziness and bad attitude that made me screw it up last semester. In fact, I'd started skipping the lessons altogether, but in my own time I had learnt all about branching and loops on my own. That's how natural I was with all these codes.

It was still too late, I hadn't passed up my previous assignments and I'd screwed up the practical tests because of my negligence, so that's why I had to retake the module. And here I am, back in Programming with a vengeance, getting straight A's on my Ceilidh assignments and getting full marks for my practical test literally on my first attempts.

I gotta admit, programming is so much fun on its own, whether or not it's a school module. I'd always had fun with HTML, though I don't use those for my current blog due to my laziness.

On the other side of the story, we all know how fascinated I've always been with the MRT Lines. This fascination evolved into a passion, even with the roads along Singapore. How I love getting around the country on buses, special thanks to the wonderful idea of bus concession.

I'm sure you've seen those boards with the estimated arrivals of the next bus. Well, they're not at every bus stop of course, just a few that are mainly near MRT stations. And I'm not talking about the ones at bus interchanges, but bus stops.

Admittedly I'd never paid attention to them because I use Iris, but just the other day I decided to stare at the one at Paya Lebar since I was sitting right next to it, and of course... I got very fascinated.

It especially amazed me how those little circles were lighted up individually to form a number with the other circles. Stared at it for as long as I could but I knew I'd never find out how the circuits worked underneath that thing. It was far more complex than the shit I did with the LED 7-segment display thing.

It just made me wonder: how does the LTA transfer the information to this board, and the boards you see on MRT platforms? How do the circles light up accordingly, following this information? I so badly wanted to know!!!

The past few days, or weeks maybe, Berita had been talking about the new Downtown Line. Of course this news will always draw my attention. But guess what? It didn't make me excited to be a reporter or to travel the new line; it made me excited to work in the Land Transport Authority when I grow up.

Just imagine working in the LTA. Do they plan the future MRT lines by scanning the roads of Singapore onto the back of their mind, and drawing an imaginary route along where is best? Do they loom over the current maps of the MRT system and decide which two stations are too far apart and could be connected nearer and easier? Believe it or not, that sounds so fucking fun.

Who would have thought that I'd actually feel the need to excel in my current course, to feed these new sudden passions? My course being Electronics and Computer Engineering; now I actually feel like I was born to be here. Like me being here isn't a coincidence or a bad thing after all. [only realising this one and a half semester into the course... right]

So... Tadah! Maybe my modules do have a reason in  life after all.

On another side of this story, I'm not that sure about my dream of being a writer anymore. It's been ten years and some since I started writing, yes. It's been tens of times I announced I'd keep going on and on to fulfill my dreams, every time I decide to give up writing.

But this time, I guess I've had it. I did so much thinking, and I guessed writing isn't for me. I did some research on "Singapore's popular bloggers", and all they ever care about is chiobus and Blogshop models and cute and pretty pictures. I can never do that, okay? And I will never.

Pretty ironic that the comments in these lists are asking for sincere writers. I saw some people commenting how they do like these certain bloggers, but how they wish they know those who really do write and not flood their posts with advertorials. I could just wave my hand and scream Yoohoo, I'm right here! Hey! but no. No matter how hard I try, I'll never get the attention of that many readers.

I thought of how it'd be like if I wrote books. The farthest I'd get my books to is probably just within the country. With Singapore so small, I would've known half the people of this generation by the time I start a career. Would anyone really read a book that has my name on it?

No, knowing my place in the current society, not a chance. I can just imagine those people from my secondary school, who unfollowed me on Twitter because I was probably annoying as fuck, or the people from Naqib E'zuwan's social life who only know me as his sister, just rolling their eyes and not giving a shit if they saw a book that I wrote.

Also another thing, most of the well-known bloggers are Chinese. Wouldn't it be nice to be one of the first few Malays to be a famous blogger in Singapore? It'd be fucking awesome. Because after all, it's just my fucking race and I'd do whatever to bring light on the Malay society here.

But I don't know. It's a thin chance. I'd say I should stay and keep fighting, but... I just don't feel that fight in me anymore. I'm damn tired of trying, knowing that society won't fucking read my stuff.

And that's why I'm gonna focus more on engineering. Yep I've said this many times already, how I should put away my writing and prioritise all these engineering shit but I could never get it in my head; writing and blogging just brings me energy and life more than you know. It's hard to give up, but what else can I do???

I'd still blog about my random little stories, and post my links on Twitter when I've written a new post, but rest assured I'm not gonna try as hard anymore. Let whoever reads this read it, I don't care. I'm just gonna travel from now, around Singapore, and find a way into the road/transport industry when I grow up.

Done with all that wanting to be in the media field. Fucking done.