Monday, 19th August, 2013.
Just as I told the prince about lunch which I had asked my classmate out for, she broke the news to me that she wasn't able to make it. She told me her reasons, and I understood, but I couldn't help feeling sad. It did after all took courage for me to ask her out.
'Aamir told me to head to his school instead, which I did right after I ended my last exam of the semester. He brought me to sit with his classmates; they were all seated at separate tables, and as I proceeded to sit next to the prince, I waved a shy hello to those at the other table.
I followed Mel to get our drinks, and as we were queuing up she told me about how I looked better with this hairstyle. We talked about self-esteem, confidence, things like that. Sometimes I don't understand the way I look at myself either.
After their lunch, 'Aamir and his classmates made their way up to the third storey, and honestly, I've never been that far in their school before.
Yazid came along and the first thing he said to me was, believe it or not; "nice hairstyle today." I was taken aback, but still, thank you very much. I had no regrets putting my fringe away that day, after so many years of hiding my eyes!
Remember when I said that friends are what protect you from the eyes of society? With them around, I didn't feel out of place in the school that was bustling with uniformed teenagers. It feels a lot safer with friends than being alone. It feels like you belonged somewhere. Try being in a polytechnic in your ITE uniform, or try being in an ITE college, wearing plainclothes and carrying your laptop. Wouldn't you feel out of place, and that people around you were judging you, thinking who the hell gave you the rights to be there?
After their lunch, 'Aamir and his classmates made their way up to the third storey, and honestly, I've never been that far in their school before.
Yazid came along and the first thing he said to me was, believe it or not; "nice hairstyle today." I was taken aback, but still, thank you very much. I had no regrets putting my fringe away that day, after so many years of hiding my eyes!
Remember when I said that friends are what protect you from the eyes of society? With them around, I didn't feel out of place in the school that was bustling with uniformed teenagers. It feels a lot safer with friends than being alone. It feels like you belonged somewhere. Try being in a polytechnic in your ITE uniform, or try being in an ITE college, wearing plainclothes and carrying your laptop. Wouldn't you feel out of place, and that people around you were judging you, thinking who the hell gave you the rights to be there?
They went off for their last class of the day, and I headed to Choa Chu Kang to do a little bit of reading, and I was getting to the climax chapter when I received a call from 'Aamir. He told me to head back because he couldn't go to the gym after all; after a bit of persuasion, I reluctantly made my way to the bus interchange to catch a bus back to his school.
The prince bought me chicken rice, which I ate alongside his classmates. I honestly had quite a few laughs with them, especially when Farhan was teasing Yazid non-stop!
As promised, 'Aamir sent me home. We stopped at Bishan for a while to get strawberry rolls and peach tarts which we munched on while walking, before getting back on the Circle Line train back to Paya Lebar. He was annoying as fuck, of course; but that was just what made me smile and laugh on the inside.
I didn't tell my grandmother that it was already my holidays. Instead, I'd told her that I had to be in school by 12. I went to Jurong East library where I sat for about three hours, reading about nothing but The Conjuring on the net.
I knew from the start that the Annabelle doll had nothing to do with the Perrons' haunting. And, I also wanted to put an end to my sleepless nights; I thought that by proving to myself that the true story the film was based on was not true at all, I'd be able to sleep peacefully again.
By the time my blog post was done, I was starving. The prince wasn't in Singapore and the girls were scattered everywhere around Singapore except where I was.
Eventually I asked one of 'Aamir's classmates out; Naqib. He shares the same name as the elder brother which I so deeply hate; yet owns care for me that is complete opposite to what my own blood feels for me.
He was with his girlfriend Diyanah, also one of 'Aamir's classmates, at Lavender. After doing a little bit of calculation I deducted that the midpoint was EW17; Tiong Bahru. That was where we met.
It started off fine, apart from the fact that I'd made them wait for about 45 minutes. Deeply sorry about that! I waited for them to buy their food before I went to get mine, and honestly, that was when the atmosphere dropped.
When I was approaching our table with my tray, I couldn't help overhearing Diyanah's stern tone and the look of remorse and anger on Naqib's face. I didn't catch what she was saying but I could already sense the tension hanging in the air.
The three of us sat in silence for the whole meal. Anyone with social anxiety would know how I felt then; not only the awkwardness, but also the feeling of being a third wheel, and as well as the paranoia that the both of them were not exactly rejoicing at my presence. If I hadn't been there, it would have probably been better for them to resolve the issue. If I hadn't appeared with my food and sat down with them, they could have continued their argument and eventually solved the problem. That was what I felt.
Things got better when we were walking back to the MRT station though. Naqib teased me about my outfit, telling me to change, while Diyanah stood up for me, as always. They alighted at Outram Park while I continued on to Paya Lebar, where I had a nap til meh.
Another solitary escapade to Jurong East. I sat at the library reading instead of researching; I didn't know what to write about. I read a few chapters of Kite Runner. At the same time, the prince was apparently moody and upset about something, but even after a few persuasions, he wouldn't tell me why or even talk to me.
For him not to have chosen to talk to me really upset me in return. So I wrote about it. I wrote about my feelings, of having him bottle his feelings up rather than run to his other half about his problems like how I always did.
He called me right after, and just like that, we met up for an early dinner. He also gave me a voucher for Times bookstore, which Mel had passed to him to present to me. We spent some time in the bookstore but I didn't dare buy anything because I wanted to take my time looking properly.
So I got home, and guess what? My cousin Kak Siti was there; we were all going to visit my grandfather for Hari Raya. The first thing I got happy about was the fact that I could finally wear a baju kurung!
From the first day of Syawal this year, I hadn't had the opportunity to wear the traditional Malay costume. Everyday Instagram was filled with other people donning their baju kurung, and I was sad because I didn't get to wear any, so I'm really grateful for the opportunity!
An entire morning in the library lead to a dozen tabs opened on my laptop; my research topic for the day was films that were based on true stories. I was experimenting; after a long time of thinking I settled on three films from early 1990's.
I didn't get to complete the post before I had to rush to Choa Chu Kang to meet two of my blog readers. They've given me words of encouragement and have always been my support from the very moment they started reading this blog of mine, and it was my honour to be able to meet them.
Both Nurasilah and Nazirah were beautiful in their own way, although I know that they still see flaws in themselves even if I call them that. It was our first time meeting and we probably had a lot of things to ask one another, but due to all of us being socially awkward, it was a rather quiet lunch apart from the occasional random questions.
We only loosened up when we headed to the rooftop to take a few pictures, like what all girls do. We had a few laughters, and I managed to ask them a few questions about themselves and their opinions. It was a pity that I had to go off about two hours after we met up.
My next destination was Woodlands, where 'Aamir fetched me just as I tapped out of the gantries. He stared at me wide-eyed, still looking handsome though, and the first thing he asked was, "what's with the red eyes??"
So I told him how my cat had played with the casing of my transparent ones til it went missing, and that I had no choice but to wear my red lens.
The prince carried my laptop case for me and took my hand with his free one, and we walked up and into Swenson's, where his secondary school classmates were waiting. I was insecure, but he told me I was already looking fine and that his friends were dying to meet me.
I've met Syazryna once before, on one of the few dates 'Aamir and I had, while it was the first time meeting Siti Hanna. I was really shy, and I was feeling so ugly! But 'Aamir, being with familiar friends, managed to loosen the atmosphere, adding laughter to the conversations and meal.
I loved the mussels, which I kept pestering 'Aamir to open for me, and Syazryna even managed to order in an extra chocolate fondue for dessert!
I'd wanted to pay for the bill too, but Syazryna wouldn't hear of it. While the girls had their backs on us, I looked at their outfits and told 'Aamir about how I wished I had the guts to dress up for school days like it was a norm for me.
I thanked Syazryna before we parted, and 'Aamir and I made our way to the library next.
So this was where he pissed me off. He had my laptop, and went to sit at a corner of the library first, while I looked at some of the books at the literature section. By the time I found him he already had my laptop open. I sat beside him and the first thing he said was, "Oh I closed all your windows already."
That drove me mad! Meaning to say, he cleared all the research I had painstakingly found on the net!
I didn't say anything, but I gave him the look. Being with me for seven months, he knew what it meant, and his expression changed into an apologetic one. It pissed me off more that he was giving excuses. "How would I know?? There wasn't any Internet connection anyway!!"
So I told him, "This isn't your laptop. It's basic courtesy that when you're using someone's laptop, you don't close any of their windows, whether or not there's Internet connection. And the least you could do was ask me first!"
I was so pissed that I didn't have the mood to even read. On the other hand, 'Aamir had turned on Youtube and was giggling away next to me. He later even had the cheek to start gaming on my laptop! Ugh!
But as always, I forgave him. He got butterscotch ice-cream [which I didn't really like though] and sent me off to the gantries, where I got on the train to Jurong East before changing to the East West train towards Paya Lebar.
And my "ask.fm friend" finally made his identity no longer a secret.
Another morning at Jurong East library. By the time I reached my usual place by the windows, it was already noon. I quickly plugged in my laptop and started my research from scratch; thank goodness I had written a bit about what I had found in my little journalist notebook. Referring to it, I managed to remember a few of the subjects which I had Googled for my blog post.
Half an hour later I still wasn't done with my writing, but I already had to go off to Tiong Bahru to meet a friend. He whom I once called my best friend, only to know that he hadn't regarded me the same. Honestly the most wonderful friend I had made in poly, none other than the unamused Shafie.
It took me guts to ask him out as well, because I was afraid of rejection, which I was sure would be the verdict. But I'm really grateful he said yes.
The first thing he asked me was, "Does 'Aamir know you are with me?" It may seem nothing to you, but it was pretty sweet for him to have asked that. We had an awkward lunch, though I managed to ask questions to 'update' me on his well-being and his life.
And a bird dropped a bomb on me! The plop sound and the wet feeling on my head, and I looked up to see a bird's asshole in my view. I swear I wanted to cry! I whined to Shafie about it but I was so embarrassed!! But I went to the sink to clean it off, and when I came back I just wanted to leave already.
I haven't walked under the sun for ages, so he decided to bring me for a walk towards Redhill station. If you realise something, the atmosphere always loosens up only after the lunch. I'm not sure why, maybe there is a scientific reason for it but whatever.
I started to babble about my stories and theories; I had missed the sarcastic remarks which he always made whenever I talked like I was so smart.
"You know the best way to see if someone cares is, when you guys are walking on the sidewalk next to the road, and the person walks on the outer side of the sidewalk..."
"You told me this before."
"So how? Did it change your life?" I asked excitedly.
He didn't answer, but the corners of his mouth were turned up a little, like he was trying not to even smile.
We walked past Tiong Bahru Park, and I sheepishly asked: "If I wanted to play at the swings right now would you let me?"
"Go ahead."
"Okay, and if I asked you to push me while I'm on the swings would you do so?"
He kept quiet, before answering with that controlled smile, "You know I have a reputation to hold."
I've always liked teasing him, just to see him try his damndest to keep that unamused face of his.
Like always, he still entertained me no matter how childish I was. He wouldn't give me a tour of Tiong Bahru like I asked him to, but he still told me that that is his secondary school, and that this is where he prays every Friday; and he also stopped at the entrance of the railway tunnel so I could see how it was like if a train passed by.
And before I knew it, he had to go.
I walked around Tiong Bahru whilst waiting for another friend to turn up. I got tired after a while so I sat at Maccy D, continuing to work on my blog post, before I finally saw Wai Kit walking outside the restaurant.
The last time we met was sometime before Ramadan; and apparently there was a lot to catch up on his life after weeks of not seeing him. I admire how he's always so cheery no matter what setbacks he's got. He's always been that way from the time I knew him.
He got me iced lemon tea and we talked, and we realised that our friendship was been existing for five years; we met when I was in Sec 1, while he was in Sec 2. He was still grunting in disbelief; "Five years? Five years!?"
One more thing which I liked about talking to him was how he always had arguments to fight my words. We debated about all kinds of things, battling each other with our own opinions. Well, nobody won or lost, but I've always liked arguing with him!
I wanted to reach home before it got dark, so when it was half past 5, I told him I had to go.
"Ah go la, go la. Abandon your friend la, go la. So much for five years!"
And then he said my name, and I realised that even after all the years he still couldn't mention my name properly. So much for five years indeed!
And there we have it. It's been a while since I blogged about time spent with friends. Not only did I meet new people, but I also managed to catch up on old friends, friends of the past. This week has been one of my favourites!
I bought a long skirt at Bugis yesterday, with the help of sweet-talker Shushan. She told me I was pretty and that I would look great in it, and what's more, I've been under the pressure of the prince and my aunt and my grandmother to try wearing a long skirt instead of jeans! This shall be a step towards experimenting with myself. Well, my youth isn't forever; I can't start wearing bright colours and skirts and dresses when I'm old already right?
I've a few appointments made this week already, with the girls on Friday evening and the prince next Monday. I am under pressure of wearing the new skirt for both dates! But the voice in my head tells me, "You can't start off wearing skirts by wearing the same one for two outings in a row! People will laugh at you and say eeew she's trying too hard to change her looks!" Yes, the voice in my head is very cruel.
Also, two nights ago my good friend Naqib taught me something; if it's a passion, why do you care about what others think of it?
I don't have to give a shit if people read my blog or not. I write and blog from the bottom of my heart; it doesn't matter who stumbles upon it, who likes it and who doesn't. Like how my new friend Nazirah has the talent of writing songs but she doesn't show her gift to the world. Like how Pearl and Siying are wonderful bloggers and artists but shove neither of their talents up the noses of other people.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate that you took the time to read this lengthy post of mine!
The prince bought me chicken rice, which I ate alongside his classmates. I honestly had quite a few laughs with them, especially when Farhan was teasing Yazid non-stop!
As promised, 'Aamir sent me home. We stopped at Bishan for a while to get strawberry rolls and peach tarts which we munched on while walking, before getting back on the Circle Line train back to Paya Lebar. He was annoying as fuck, of course; but that was just what made me smile and laugh on the inside.
Tuesday, 20th August, 2013.
I knew from the start that the Annabelle doll had nothing to do with the Perrons' haunting. And, I also wanted to put an end to my sleepless nights; I thought that by proving to myself that the true story the film was based on was not true at all, I'd be able to sleep peacefully again.
By the time my blog post was done, I was starving. The prince wasn't in Singapore and the girls were scattered everywhere around Singapore except where I was.
Eventually I asked one of 'Aamir's classmates out; Naqib. He shares the same name as the elder brother which I so deeply hate; yet owns care for me that is complete opposite to what my own blood feels for me.
He was with his girlfriend Diyanah, also one of 'Aamir's classmates, at Lavender. After doing a little bit of calculation I deducted that the midpoint was EW17; Tiong Bahru. That was where we met.
It started off fine, apart from the fact that I'd made them wait for about 45 minutes. Deeply sorry about that! I waited for them to buy their food before I went to get mine, and honestly, that was when the atmosphere dropped.
When I was approaching our table with my tray, I couldn't help overhearing Diyanah's stern tone and the look of remorse and anger on Naqib's face. I didn't catch what she was saying but I could already sense the tension hanging in the air.
The three of us sat in silence for the whole meal. Anyone with social anxiety would know how I felt then; not only the awkwardness, but also the feeling of being a third wheel, and as well as the paranoia that the both of them were not exactly rejoicing at my presence. If I hadn't been there, it would have probably been better for them to resolve the issue. If I hadn't appeared with my food and sat down with them, they could have continued their argument and eventually solved the problem. That was what I felt.
Things got better when we were walking back to the MRT station though. Naqib teased me about my outfit, telling me to change, while Diyanah stood up for me, as always. They alighted at Outram Park while I continued on to Paya Lebar, where I had a nap til meh.
Wednesday, 21st August, 2013.
For him not to have chosen to talk to me really upset me in return. So I wrote about it. I wrote about my feelings, of having him bottle his feelings up rather than run to his other half about his problems like how I always did.
He called me right after, and just like that, we met up for an early dinner. He also gave me a voucher for Times bookstore, which Mel had passed to him to present to me. We spent some time in the bookstore but I didn't dare buy anything because I wanted to take my time looking properly.
So I got home, and guess what? My cousin Kak Siti was there; we were all going to visit my grandfather for Hari Raya. The first thing I got happy about was the fact that I could finally wear a baju kurung!
From the first day of Syawal this year, I hadn't had the opportunity to wear the traditional Malay costume. Everyday Instagram was filled with other people donning their baju kurung, and I was sad because I didn't get to wear any, so I'm really grateful for the opportunity!
Thursday, 22nd August, 2013.
I didn't get to complete the post before I had to rush to Choa Chu Kang to meet two of my blog readers. They've given me words of encouragement and have always been my support from the very moment they started reading this blog of mine, and it was my honour to be able to meet them.
Both Nurasilah and Nazirah were beautiful in their own way, although I know that they still see flaws in themselves even if I call them that. It was our first time meeting and we probably had a lot of things to ask one another, but due to all of us being socially awkward, it was a rather quiet lunch apart from the occasional random questions.
We only loosened up when we headed to the rooftop to take a few pictures, like what all girls do. We had a few laughters, and I managed to ask them a few questions about themselves and their opinions. It was a pity that I had to go off about two hours after we met up.
My next destination was Woodlands, where 'Aamir fetched me just as I tapped out of the gantries. He stared at me wide-eyed, still looking handsome though, and the first thing he asked was, "what's with the red eyes??"
So I told him how my cat had played with the casing of my transparent ones til it went missing, and that I had no choice but to wear my red lens.
The prince carried my laptop case for me and took my hand with his free one, and we walked up and into Swenson's, where his secondary school classmates were waiting. I was insecure, but he told me I was already looking fine and that his friends were dying to meet me.
I've met Syazryna once before, on one of the few dates 'Aamir and I had, while it was the first time meeting Siti Hanna. I was really shy, and I was feeling so ugly! But 'Aamir, being with familiar friends, managed to loosen the atmosphere, adding laughter to the conversations and meal.
I loved the mussels, which I kept pestering 'Aamir to open for me, and Syazryna even managed to order in an extra chocolate fondue for dessert!
I'd wanted to pay for the bill too, but Syazryna wouldn't hear of it. While the girls had their backs on us, I looked at their outfits and told 'Aamir about how I wished I had the guts to dress up for school days like it was a norm for me.
I thanked Syazryna before we parted, and 'Aamir and I made our way to the library next.
So this was where he pissed me off. He had my laptop, and went to sit at a corner of the library first, while I looked at some of the books at the literature section. By the time I found him he already had my laptop open. I sat beside him and the first thing he said was, "Oh I closed all your windows already."
That drove me mad! Meaning to say, he cleared all the research I had painstakingly found on the net!
I didn't say anything, but I gave him the look. Being with me for seven months, he knew what it meant, and his expression changed into an apologetic one. It pissed me off more that he was giving excuses. "How would I know?? There wasn't any Internet connection anyway!!"
So I told him, "This isn't your laptop. It's basic courtesy that when you're using someone's laptop, you don't close any of their windows, whether or not there's Internet connection. And the least you could do was ask me first!"
I was so pissed that I didn't have the mood to even read. On the other hand, 'Aamir had turned on Youtube and was giggling away next to me. He later even had the cheek to start gaming on my laptop! Ugh!
But as always, I forgave him. He got butterscotch ice-cream [which I didn't really like though] and sent me off to the gantries, where I got on the train to Jurong East before changing to the East West train towards Paya Lebar.
And my "ask.fm friend" finally made his identity no longer a secret.
Friday, 23rd August, 2013.
Half an hour later I still wasn't done with my writing, but I already had to go off to Tiong Bahru to meet a friend. He whom I once called my best friend, only to know that he hadn't regarded me the same. Honestly the most wonderful friend I had made in poly, none other than the unamused Shafie.
It took me guts to ask him out as well, because I was afraid of rejection, which I was sure would be the verdict. But I'm really grateful he said yes.
The first thing he asked me was, "Does 'Aamir know you are with me?" It may seem nothing to you, but it was pretty sweet for him to have asked that. We had an awkward lunch, though I managed to ask questions to 'update' me on his well-being and his life.
And a bird dropped a bomb on me! The plop sound and the wet feeling on my head, and I looked up to see a bird's asshole in my view. I swear I wanted to cry! I whined to Shafie about it but I was so embarrassed!! But I went to the sink to clean it off, and when I came back I just wanted to leave already.
I haven't walked under the sun for ages, so he decided to bring me for a walk towards Redhill station. If you realise something, the atmosphere always loosens up only after the lunch. I'm not sure why, maybe there is a scientific reason for it but whatever.
I started to babble about my stories and theories; I had missed the sarcastic remarks which he always made whenever I talked like I was so smart.
"You know the best way to see if someone cares is, when you guys are walking on the sidewalk next to the road, and the person walks on the outer side of the sidewalk..."
"You told me this before."
"So how? Did it change your life?" I asked excitedly.
He didn't answer, but the corners of his mouth were turned up a little, like he was trying not to even smile.
We walked past Tiong Bahru Park, and I sheepishly asked: "If I wanted to play at the swings right now would you let me?"
"Go ahead."
"Okay, and if I asked you to push me while I'm on the swings would you do so?"
He kept quiet, before answering with that controlled smile, "You know I have a reputation to hold."
I've always liked teasing him, just to see him try his damndest to keep that unamused face of his.
Like always, he still entertained me no matter how childish I was. He wouldn't give me a tour of Tiong Bahru like I asked him to, but he still told me that that is his secondary school, and that this is where he prays every Friday; and he also stopped at the entrance of the railway tunnel so I could see how it was like if a train passed by.
And before I knew it, he had to go.
I walked around Tiong Bahru whilst waiting for another friend to turn up. I got tired after a while so I sat at Maccy D, continuing to work on my blog post, before I finally saw Wai Kit walking outside the restaurant.
The last time we met was sometime before Ramadan; and apparently there was a lot to catch up on his life after weeks of not seeing him. I admire how he's always so cheery no matter what setbacks he's got. He's always been that way from the time I knew him.
He got me iced lemon tea and we talked, and we realised that our friendship was been existing for five years; we met when I was in Sec 1, while he was in Sec 2. He was still grunting in disbelief; "Five years? Five years!?"
One more thing which I liked about talking to him was how he always had arguments to fight my words. We debated about all kinds of things, battling each other with our own opinions. Well, nobody won or lost, but I've always liked arguing with him!
I wanted to reach home before it got dark, so when it was half past 5, I told him I had to go.
"Ah go la, go la. Abandon your friend la, go la. So much for five years!"
And then he said my name, and I realised that even after all the years he still couldn't mention my name properly. So much for five years indeed!
____
I bought a long skirt at Bugis yesterday, with the help of sweet-talker Shushan. She told me I was pretty and that I would look great in it, and what's more, I've been under the pressure of the prince and my aunt and my grandmother to try wearing a long skirt instead of jeans! This shall be a step towards experimenting with myself. Well, my youth isn't forever; I can't start wearing bright colours and skirts and dresses when I'm old already right?
I've a few appointments made this week already, with the girls on Friday evening and the prince next Monday. I am under pressure of wearing the new skirt for both dates! But the voice in my head tells me, "You can't start off wearing skirts by wearing the same one for two outings in a row! People will laugh at you and say eeew she's trying too hard to change her looks!" Yes, the voice in my head is very cruel.
Also, two nights ago my good friend Naqib taught me something; if it's a passion, why do you care about what others think of it?
I don't have to give a shit if people read my blog or not. I write and blog from the bottom of my heart; it doesn't matter who stumbles upon it, who likes it and who doesn't. Like how my new friend Nazirah has the talent of writing songs but she doesn't show her gift to the world. Like how Pearl and Siying are wonderful bloggers and artists but shove neither of their talents up the noses of other people.
Thank you for reading, I appreciate that you took the time to read this lengthy post of mine!
No comments:
Post a Comment