Ramadan in my past.

back in 2010, about three days before the start of Ramadan, someone told me; "on the first day of Ramadan it's a must for the whole family to break fast together. my parents are always working but they'll always make the effort to come home and have dinner with us."

i'd said in a small voice; "that's your parents." he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and said; "if only your brothers and parents are like mine."

well, too bad they are not.

i've been itching to write about my past Ramadans since this year's started, but i'd made a pact not to write anymore. well screw that stupid promise; i'm gonna write now, about how i'd spent my fasting months in the past years, the memories which stand out, be they memorable or unpleasant.

i had my first Ramadan of secondary school in 2008. Ramadan sat nicely in the whole of September, which included my 13th birthday. my then girl best friends had laid a surprise for me and on my special day, word had gotten around.

i was made to wait at the back of this restaurant at a shopping mall near my sec school; a usual haunt for us back then. they made me wait, and about one and a half hour later or so they still hadn't turned up.

my closest best friend was there for me though. she was the one making contact with the masterminds of this whole plan. she mentioned something about them still having not been released from their cca.

in the end i decided to head home; they obviously werent going to show up. the best friend who was with me had gotten me a card and i'd appreciated it. but i still couldnt help feeling sad when i got home and thought about it.

to make things worse, my elder brother was shut in his room when i got home, and my younger brother was not home too. i couldnt remember where was he really but all i remembered was the emptiness that greeted me on that day. on my 13th birthday.

as silly as i was, all i could do was sit on the edge of my bed and cry my eyes out. oh yes! now i remember where my mom, little brother, and granny were. they were down at the CC, holding up the stall which Mama had set up.

there i was at the edge of my bed when i received a phone call from the mastermind best friends. they told me to come down. it took me a long time to get off my ass, but eventually i did.

the structure of this particular CC has a little tower in the middle of the open space, and they had laid out a bag in the middle; it had my name on it and there was a song playing from their phones, which i was in love with then.

i took the bag and held it to my chest, and i started crying again. the masterminds revealed themselves and started laughing at me, telling me to relax and stop crying. one of them even exclaimed, "batal puasa sey kau nangis sampai gitu!"

it was embarrassing as hell, but that was a great first birthday of secondary school.

came 2009. well... i dont remember anything significant from this year so i shall move on to 2010.

i remember that my dad was mad at me during the few days that revolved around first day of Ramadan. and it slipped my mind that fasting month was here because nobody told me. i had a feast at noon of the first day.

my mom was working a lot. and my dad, well, he always have been. Mama was always the one who got together the meals for my brothers and i. on the days she werent, i'd be the one responsible. because i was a girl.

i remember so clearly, that particular day. as usual Mama was at work; she had called me to tell me so and could i prepare something for my brothers in her place? well i couldnt say no. it was about half an hour to break fast time so i got to work.

now i'm not sure if' i've told you this before but my elder brother has a very strange diet. he does not eat rice; not a single grain. he has particular preferences and otherwise towards food.

all the 18 years of my life, i'd only seen him eaten rice when i was a little kid. that was the era when he was still using his plastic plate with the ABC's around it. i swear that was the very last time i saw him eat rice.

as we both grew up, he started eating weird food. he only ate fast food, and maggi noodles. Mom makes me fry these stupid little popcorn chickens for him, or hash browns, or whatever fried food which is to his preference.

i swear if you know my elder brother the way our little one and i do,...... no words can describe it.

well i made him his food, followed by my little brother's. i was expecting the three of us to eat together at the dining table but nope. there was the living room, which stole the union from my brothers and i.

im not sure why but i cried while i was eating my own food, alone at the dining table. after i ate, i took a shower and, feeling upset, went out into the cold night to take a walk.

i walked from my house, along the roads, all the way to the other side of Pasir Ris. it was damn cold, this i remember; i was wearing bermudas but at least i had on a hoodie which pockets i stuffed my hands into.

that was the start to my love for walking; it was temporary but it kept me going for a while there.

2010 was also the year which i went to the bazaar at Geylang with my mom a lot. and she always told me how glad she was to have a little daughter who was so willing to follow her to places.

came 2011. i was going home straight after school a lot during Ramadan, and i always went to sleep when i reached home. as usual there'd be nobody home, and i'd turn off my bedroom lights and crash into bed, without caring whether my bedroom door was closed or not.

i remember the last time i looked at the clock was about 4pm. the next thing i knew, i woke up to complete darkness, and when i looked at my phone, it was 11pm. i'd slept for a good 7 hours!

i got out of my room, and my parents were shocked to see me. they'd been calling me non-stop wondering where i was, when all along i was right in my bedroom.

the first thing my mom screamed at me: "you never go tuition is it?!"
the first thing my dad screamed at me: "darling you sleep you never buka puasa is it?"

well there was no food left so my dad took the liberty to cook me maggi noodles. i was still in a state of shock, wondering what the hell happened before my blackout. the last thing i'd been doing was social studies.

and that was the latest time i had my buka; 4 hours after the designated time.

2012 was a lonely year, but i'd spent the first day of Ramadan eating with my mother and brothers at the dining table. dad was working, but he came home and apologised for having not being able to join us. i forgave him like i always did.

the night before though, i'd heard my parents talking among themselves about my state in school. i remember earlier that same day, my mother mentioned something abt asking my friends over during our open house for hari raya.

she was referring to the mastermind best friends i was talking about earlier, as well as the best friend who had accompanied me beforehand. as i'd mentioned in my last post, i had left these friends when 2012 started, so when my mom told me to ask them over, i shook my head.

she asked me why, and since when was i not friends with them? well, i also grew a lot more quiet than i usually was last year, and i never told her anything.

that night, the night before Ramadan; i was heading to the kitchen when i heard my parents talking in hushed tones. i knew these tones of theirs; they were talking about something important, something that a kid like me was not supposed to know but wanted to know.

so i listened. and i realised they were talking about me.

my dad mentioned the name of the boy who had left me heartbroken. my mom told him about how she figured out that i wasnt friends with my girl best friends anymore. they even mentioned my discipline master's name, about how they were constantly texting him to check on me.

i felt one of them make a move and i ran back to my room, closing the door behind me.

after that day they still didnt talk to me. i could imagine they were just assuming that whatever they were told from others was true; that they wouldnt ask for my side of the story because their own daughter was not a trustworthy source.

i kept all the more quiet during the whole of Ramadan.

one ordinary evening a few days before Syawal, i was alone in my room as usual when my mom called out to me. at this point of time the house was busy, Mom with her cookies and the men with their cleaning.

i made my way to the kitchen to where she was, and she said my cousin had came to see me. my dad's elder sister's youngest daughter. my best friend from the family since forever.

when i saw her i felt sad yet joyful. i wanted to laugh, i wanted to cry. she saw my piercings and, stunned, pointed to my earlobe as an asking for an explaination. that was when i started to break down.

i started off giving a choked laughter, and then the tears just spilled out from my eyes. i mentioned being all the more sad that she was never there for me and she apologised by saying she was busy with her poly life.

she gave me a long hug before she left, and it just made me cry all the more.

the day before Syawal finally came.

my brothers were doing their own things and my mother was out working. dad had taken a day off to do some spring-cleaning, and i was on my laptop when he started complaining that i was a useless daughter.

i didnt take his words to heart; all i took notice of was that nobody was helping him do the housework. i asked him if he needed me to help with anything; i had cleaned my own room the day before.

"no need ah, no need. i can do everything myself." he had said. he wouldnt stop pushing away my help but he also wouldnt stop complaining about nobody helping him after that.

in the end i exclaimed, "then why not you let me help you with something?"

he stopped doing his work and said, "you did not have to raise your voice."

"i did not raise my voice." this was a slightly raised voice.

"you raise your voice some more!" his voice was a lot more raised than his previous.

i got up, picked up my laptop and stomped off to my room, closing my door behind me. my window was open and the wind blew, closing my bedroom door with a loud bang.

i let it be, and laid my laptop on my desk when my dad barged in. "why did you slam the door? you didnt have to slam the door.",  giving a hard slap across my face after each sentence.

"it's the wind, what the hell!" i had screamed, though my voice was shaking.

"where got wind! you dont come and bullshit with me got wind!" two more slaps to my face.

"stop hitting me!" my last scream, and my dad stared at me for a second with this look in his eyes before he walked out of my room, closing the door with a slam.

the next day, it was hari raya, and i watched my elder brother kneel down on his knees in front of my dad to ask for forgiveness. as he moved to kneel in front of mom, i knelt down in front of my dad.

"this girl," my dad had said as i was getting on my knees, "the child who breaks my heart the most."

i took his hand in both of mine and kissed it, as he said, "you know when Daddy scolds you it's for your own good... Daddy beats you because Daddy loves you."

he says it every year but i still couldnt help the tears that gathered in my eyes. i smiled, and moved on to kneel down in front of my mom next.

this year, 2013; it's my first year celebrating Ramadan in my aunt's place; and hopefully Syawal too. i know my parents are still my parents but i'm still not gonna give in to them after all they'd done to me the past seven months and beyond.

with the many siblings that my father has, they're bound to ask lots of questions if they turn up with just their two sons for Syawal this year. what could my dad say? with the ego the size of a rock blocking his path, he wouldnt dare tell them that he kicked me out of the house.

and my mom's face too. she cares about that more than anything. both my parents are so egoistic. you cant blame me for having received both their genes.

i'd been whatsapping my little brother, and he said that Mom is planning to bring me shopping for hari raya clothes. and she recently transferred some money into my bank account; it's obviously her route of making me join them for first day of syawal to my dad's side family gathering.

i absolutely refuse. they cant do this to me. for seven months they had shunned me just like that; i had to work to feed myself, to buy my school books, to bring me to and fro on the MRT.

you cant expect me to go back to them just like that after the past half a year. they'd neglected me all this while; they cant just expect me to succumb to them again. i'm not gonna be a dummy, just to represent the fifth member of the family to display for my dad's parents and many siblings.

i absolutely refuse to be part of that family until they admit their action to the relatives.

if worse comes to worse i'll have to go m.i.a during hari raya period. shall talk about this when the time comes. for now, i'll just continue doing what i must, and that is to focus on my studies.