Half a year past.

a coward is someone who says something but is too afraid to do it. who complains about something but does nothing to change it. so what do you call someone who is doing her best in something but still afraid that one day it will all be gone? 

i don't want to lose you. not to your past, not to your future. everyday i do my best to make you happy, yet at the same time; everyday i am afraid that i will still lose you.

what if you meet someone better than me? what if she was prettier, and smarter, and less stubborn, a better writer? what if she was like me but a lot better? you'd compare me to her. you'd think i've dimmed. 

or what if you meet someone who is broken like me? what if there is someone who is shattered, and a lot more lonelier than me? what if she's in love with you? you'd think she needs you more than i do. you'd think i'm already strong enough on my own and that i'd be fine without you. 

i'm not sure which is worse; losing you to someone better than me, or to someone you think is more broken that i am. 

what if in the future my face gets scarred terribly and you dont even want to look at me anymore? you first noticed me for my looks. you'd leave me if my face is no longer what you fell for, or if i'm old, or fatter. my youth is not forever, and so isn't your attraction towards my face. 

meanwhile, each time i look at photos of us, i'm not sure whether that girl is really who i am or not. and when i look at you, i don't believe you are mine. 

i'd think of you. i'd think of the things you had ever done for me. the things we ever did together. i can never be convinced that those memories are really mine; i can never believe that there's someone like you in this world who loves me so much. 

we've been together half a year now, and we've already gone through so much. when you kiss me right before we part, people around us would judge and call us a young couple, simply infatuated with puppy love. but they didnt know the heartaches and pain and all that we've been through, during and before our relationship. 

people out there don't know my whole story, yet they judge me and refuse my existence. yet you who know everything i'd ever done in the past, accept me in the blink of an eye. 

the best gift to represent our meeting is a bouquet of daphne and meadow saffron; "my best days are over". and "i would not have you otherwise". i wouldnt have met you if i hadnt been in my terrible state.

really. no words can describe how much I love you. i can't imagine us apart, and i can't imagine you being alone again. i can't imagine you without me. 

and again; i don't know how you found me, but i'm glad you did. 

we had a heart to heart talk last night, and i spilled out everything to you. i'm glad to have gotten it off my chest and upon your listening ears. you assured me, and i believed you. 

but here i am, still afraid that one more slip-up and you'll be gone like that. 

it's been half a year, but my feelings for you are stronger than ever. 

on the day i first saw you, it was love at first sight. i couldnt get my eyes off you. i couldnt speak. it was the first time i felt so nervous being around a guy. i was nervous, but i was also comfortable talking to you. 

we watched airplanes, we told stories about ourselves, we laughed, we held each other's hands in ours, we ran in the rain, we wrapped our arms around each other.

 i'm still gonna continue doing my best to treat you right. i'll keep letting you annoy me, i'll keep going on dates with you, i'll keep running in the rain with you, i'll keep holding your hand, i'll keep kissing you, and i'll keep hugging you. 

because although we've already done that at the beginning of our relationship, it is what keeps us going. i'd like you to stay with me for as long as you can. and i'd like to stay with you til the day i die.