an inhumane trade.

heidiho. i am awake, as you can see.

"it's 3 in the morning and i'm still not sleeping; cause i'm finally running your race."

i'd completed The Vanishing Game. it was a great book, honestly. it really took me for a ride! in more ways than one. i highly recommend it, although it is not in British English, contradictory to the advice i'd given to O Level takers.

i've started on my next book already; The Double Shadow; but i got tired after the first two chapters. (i ended up typing out 'douche' instead of 'double', would you believe it?)

and yes, i am still up. awake. not in slumber. nnnmmmnngghhhnmnhgnmhhggnn. at times like these, i wish i have someone. someone to fuss over me.

you know , i get flashbacks of the younger twin's face a lot. and, honestly, a big part of me misses him, but a bigger part of me actually questions his existence.

there's something in me which doesn't believe that someone like him had ever existed. i can imagine 'Irfan noorhalim; but not his younger twin brother.

i can't believe having been with someone like him, or even having had a crush on him for years. hell, don't you get it? i don't even believe he EXISTS.

as time passes, am i just trying to deny my past? is this just my way of trying to forget?

if it is, it's a lot more painful. it seems inhuman. to erase his existence from the world in order to release the pain from my heart; it's an inhumane trade.

yes, as you would have guessed, i'm still not over the boy. the cold person i made myself to be; is it because i'm still reserving my affection for him or am i just too scarred to risk being close to guys again?

i don't know. i wish someone would bother to melt the ice and find out. i don't think that someone would be me; i have gotten my sense knocked out of me so many times before, til there's very little left.

"you know when i hate you, it is because i love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul."

that phrase has always haunted me ever since i first read it a few months ago. it's probably what i'm going through.

i do have the desire still, to stab a blade through his chest, where his heart lays. truth be told. i hadn't seen him since he stood at my school gate a couple of months before, and that was just his back.

i don't even want to imagine how i'd react if i were to see his face.

i don't know why i'm like this. i'm just... selfish. to help me forget the sweet memories and the pain he'd caused me, the ceasing of his existence is most relevant.

of course, if i were to kill him, there'd be consequences too.

please. don't let me see him. please. protect him from me. protect me from myself; the ugly side of me.

these trades are just... too cruel.

and. i need to talk to the older twin.