i'm home.
was forced to go to sch again today. altho i'm sick. yeah, bloody hell, i'm sick . with fever, for fuck sake.
aft sch, went to watch i not naughty with the girls today, except for siying who couldnt make it. i'm kind of too tired to blog the details, so, here are just some pics. went to rooftop to camwhore.
have i told you tht the chain i put my ring on broke? yeah, it broke on my way to work. the chain is shorter now, and i cant sling it around my neck anymore. i have to take it apart and put it back tgt again, if u get what i mean.
so let's update you on my life. nth much, really. just tht i feel disconnected with the ppl from pasir ris/tampines, somehow. like... hm, i dont know how to explain it. but in other words, i only feel comfortable with the ppl/cats at guilley and my EK colleagues now.
it's like, when i'm around my family, or the 7 girls, or the juniors at sch, or the ppl i see everyday around the neighbourhood. i feel like ... i'm in a different region. like a whole island totally.
when im at guilley, everyone tells me stories. abt the cats, or abt their past, sch days, or abt what's their plans for the day. my aunt, my granny, my uncles. they all tell me things. they acknowledge my presence.
the cats run to me when i enter the house, they follow me everywhere when i'm walking around. zorro and hometown come to me when i'm sulking on the bed, and zorro curls up between my legs and butt to sleep with me .
at EK , they tell me things too. they update me on things at work, they talk abt their sch and other colleagues, ask me what i ate for break. we talk, we laugh when another colleague gets scolded, we disturb each other. we regard each other's presence.
....do you know what it feels like to have your whole family know smth tht only you didnt? don't you feel damn left out, and feel like you dont belong? like they all dont regard you as their family? dont you know how much it hurts?
yeah, it hurts. it really does.
dont you wonder why they all come searching for you everytime you run away? but when you're back in the house, they just dump you in your room, and they forget why they even bothered to drag you back home.
naz is always on the ps3 or downstairs playing with his friends.
naqib is always out with his bloody girlfriend, which i decide tht i will still hate forever.
mom is always focusing on her two sons.
dad is always too busy at work.
they all have smth more important than me. so yeah, i have someone more important than them too, which is my grandmother. if they all can have their priorities, why cant i ?
if only my room is a box tht i can magically transport. or if only i'm an architect , i'll build a house for the ppl at guilley to move into. just so you know, the living conditions at guilley is not close to as luxurious as pasir ris. just so you know .
but i'm still way happier there. why? cause of the ppl/cats.
enough abt homes. what abt sch you ask? i can always wake up early in the morning to go sch, no big deal abt tht. just take 7 to bedok, and take 17. no sweat. waking up early in the morning is a pleasantry.
and speaking of sch, i'm thinking of dropping art. idk, i just dont feel tht interested anymore. the drawing and painting and shading, all just seem too troublesome alr. i dont like topics. i'd rather draw smth out of whatever shit tht's in my head .
i cant stand drawing out all the boards shit. i cant be bothered to think of explorations of ideas and the manipulation is just too damn frustrating. artist influences arent necessary, i'd rather draw whatever style i want. i'm damn sick and tired of having cambridge ppl judge my art.
yeah, i wanna drop art. shall talk to ms chua abt it tmrw. (but i kinda fear natalee following me drop out of o level art. i hope she doesnt follow in the wrong footsteps.)
i've got a new diary, completed the light saber notebook last night. and ive started on a new book too, finished reading "the mark" . started on "going going" this morn during reading.
o, and i didnt want to come sch today cause i woke up feeling damn hot. but what do you expect? i was forced again, cause "this year you are doing ur o levels with your cousin. you cant afford to lose out to their family" .
tapi asal aku je? my bro is also taking psle with another cousin what. why me? in fact, why so competitive? why must compare your own child to another's? when she gave birth to me, did she look at other ppl's newborn and compare with me? tht doesnt make sense, so why compare?
i have always loved my family. all 4 of them, no matter how they treat me like shit sometimes. but i'm tired. i'm damn tired.
tryna be to my parents' expectations cause im their only 'hope' in studies. (my lil bro has been failing his exams pretty badly, and he's only in p6), taking care of my bros when my parents aint home.
and i have to work to have money cause i still aint getting allowance for sch. (tho my mom gave me 15 this morn to take a cab to sch)
but, o well.
i'm still very, very fortunate. and i'm still very, very grateful for this life. still wanna be me, no matter what. know what's my name? Nur E'indah Nadhirah . mmhmm. hahahahahah k .
the road froze over on my way back home.
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