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How does keep missing chances and keep orbiting but never have the gall to land, how does one get everything she needed at the wrong ages of her life? Someone once said timing is a funny thing, and I agree wholeheartedly and it makes me want to laugh until I drop dead. 

And here comes the blue moon where I so badly prefer to die, I have not seen it since the time my melonsoy was drunk without permission. I saw glimpses of it half a year later in dec 2021 when I found out my unborn child was a boy, and again in early 2023 when I saw my empty room. 

But it's clear now, I've seen it threatening to come when my demons found me through my mirror again last year, it's clear as day now. It's here in this room with me, typing in the darkness with my husband snoring behind me, it'll stay throughout the day in the hottest of weathers and brightest of spotlights. 

My suicidal blue moon orbits around me and nobody will be able to see it, they will see my crestfallen face and hear my silence but nobody will tie it to wanting to die. What a shame, I've only started getting some colour back to my face after so many insecurity issues the past year, I've only started being more social and a peoples person, and now it will fall back flat. 

Just like I wish I could be now, I live double the floors now than when I was living with my parents, I can imagine the splat from the eighteenth floor. How glorious my fall would be and I could think of a year of my life at each floor from 2024 until 2008, ages 29 to 13. 

The many times I have shed blood from down there for various reasons, I could have shed blood and tissue from the crack in my head instead. 

It takes a split second for one to ejaculate but an infinite more for another to think about how this will change her life once again. How her personal will uproot once again