EW19

Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.

When you left in early 2014, I struggled. I let out my anger, I cried enough, I wrote my mind out. And then the unexpected happened: I actually moved on.

Like I said, it wasn't possible without the presence of others, people who came to be this weird thing called friends. I met so many in your dust, but the most impactful bunch was this group called Heroine.

We all knew a mutual who added our numbers into a random group, and that was the simplest way we befriended each other. It was the early conversations that pulled me through, silly enough to help me forget you, filling enough to make me stay.

But like with my newfound polytechnic friends the year before, I made one mistake. That was getting too close and showing too much of myself to them, hanging on to their existence and the possibility of a forever friendship.

I hate myself to the core when I think about it today, and I wish so badly it never happened. I didn't learn from the mistake in April, actually repeating it with different parties. A different couple. I nearly destroyed a five-year relationship, yet there I was, playing with the fragility of a new one.

It was the girl from the previous couple that finally, as a close friend, pointed out how fucked up the people in this society usually are. She wasn't really a part of it, but she knew better seeing it from the outside.

I wish I'd met her under different circumstances, instead of being the girl that her boyfriend cheated on her with. But the aura exuded from her was still more mature than the two Heroine boys we just split from, and it grew more apparent that I would never belong too, not with them, not with her.

So on the train back to the east, she talked conviction into me, only stopping when she alighted at Queenstown. 2014 was finally coming to an end, along with the high that came from these unusual friendships. I haven't heard from her or any of them in more than three years, and it's just as well.