June

I remember so much. I didn't know an 'almost' could hurt this bad. All the stupid poems I wrote for you hurt a thousand times worse now, all the words I tried to give you are biting me back.

The longest running conversation between a flower and a flame, a stupid flame who thought she was the sun and mistook her poison for energy.

I didn't realise how badly I burnt you just from leaning against you, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm so so so sorry. I wish I never called you back, I wish I never held your hand, I wish I never brought you out for your birthdays, I wish I can forget the fireworks by your eyes.

You once said I was the reason you never got a girlfriend, I wish I never came into your life and I wish I never existed. If only I'd stayed in the main game instead of going over to the sidelines to sit with you.

We are all hurting even though I didn't mean any harm to anyone. I just wanted to hurt myself, never you or the wind or even my girl. I didn't mean to make the both of you cry, I'm a fucking storm and how the fuck do I live like this?

You are the only other person who's been close enough to see the stupid mole beneath my eye, close enough to have felt the warmth from my legs. I never wanted to own you, I just always wanted to sit next to you and sit in comfortable silence.

Why does your ghost linger? One month later and I still feel your hand in mine and your arms around me in the cold up on the hill at Marsiling. Why couldn't you stay gone, you shouldn't have felt my absence the way I did yours because clearly you are the only one running through my mind.

How do I let go of something I never quite had? Like sand through my fingers and rain dripping down my hair, never quite mine and never solid enough to grasp and throw far away. How do I forget you, your tooth poking out at the side and the veins on your hands a strange bright green?

Eight paragraphs, and they don't do justice to what I feel for you. I wish you'd known that kindness doesn't mean deceit, and I wish you knew honesty doesn't have to be harsh. You always said I was perfect but you just wish I was someone else, I wish for that too and I wish we'd met under other circumstances. I wish for a lot of the impossible, things that I know I can't do anything about.

No matter where I go, floating around or back with the wind or with somebody new entirely I wouldn't be able to forget you. I'd spend my whole life thinking of you and remembering you to be the person who saved my life. I'm so sorry, the only way I knew how to repay you was by destroying yours.

I'll stay gone, but please don't forget everything I'd mumbled to you up at Marsiling hill, and don't just erase my face and voice from your head. Don't ever exorcise my ghost from next to you, I want to be the heat that we both strangely loved.