Tornado

Asked a best friend a past acquaintance what would be his perfect way of dying. Dying doing something good for others, he says. He's not that amazing in "doing good for others" but he made me think, like he always does.

Is it better to have died doing something good for people, and devastating them with such a significant loss? Or to die invisible, without anyone noticing or caring, except for the very few who matters?

I remember in 2010, having dinner with one of my secondary school girls, at Elias Mall mac, before it moved to the unit behind the bus stop. She told me how she'd asked her then-boyfriend "if you knew you only had one month left to live, what would you do?"

He said to her "I'll treat you like shit and make you hate me so when I go, you will not be affected." Different people, different thoughts.

Last night I found another way he is the tornado that he always was. 3 years back I watched a disaster movie called Tornado, and I remember who I watched it with but those people are among the accounts I've now blocked from my Twitter.

There was a scene in the film where the characters hid in a tunnel-like thing and were caught in the tornado--when suddenly, silence. Why? They realised they were right in the middle of it: the eye of the storm.

In 2012, my lonely year. It was a struggle before I met him, and it was chaos getting to the heart of the wind, the center of the storm. I spent years in that peaceful spot, protected by the trouble that is this being itself. And it was beautiful in there, in the heart.

I may have forgotten that there will be the same chaos as the tornado takes his leave.

I can imagine him laughing if I told him this. A part of me is sad that he will never understand. A part of me wants to hear that laughter again because sometimes I feel our differences make us, and I want to be the reason for that laugh everyday. Unfortunately for him I am not enough and too much at once.