You know, I love books but to be perfectly honest I'm embarrassed when reading a well-known and popular novel in public. Shit like The Fault In Our Stars or anything by John Green, I find myself not wanting to be caught dead reading those.
I'd wait until the hype around it is dead before I even pick up reading it, and same goes for If I Stay. I started reading it today though I'd watched the movie when it came out. And now I'm embarrassed to say I am one of those girls who loves this book and its film.
The book itself touched me especially thinking about my parents and little brother, the love of my life and my passions and dreams. I pictured mommy and dadda gone, dead on impact, bodies being zipped up in a black bag. I imagined 'Aamir in a bed, tubes plugged into him and his heartbeat beeping from a machine.
And then I imagined if it was me in Mia's place, caught between the choices of staying and leaving. I thought of my dreams of becoming a writer, unfulfilled as long as I don't wake up. I thought of a world without my parents and little brother, how I'd have no will to live without them.
I remember when I so badly wanted an oblivion last year. How I wanted so badly to die more than anything, not caring about whether I was even ready to meet my maker. That changed when I realised the beauty of life, all its happiness and heartbreak, all its laughter and pain.
I picture myself gone, and I can't stand the thought of those few people who would visit my page in hopes that I'd written a new post, the friends I've stopped talking with who might wish they could talk to me again.
The thought of my books sitting on my shelves, collecting dust as no one reads them, the cats at the carpark waiting for the strange girl who would talk to them, the lecturers calling out my name for attendance and asking my equally clueless classmates about my whereabouts.
The thought of my grandmother and aunt in the hospital room crying over the potential loss of their granddaughter/niece. The thought of 'Aamir holding my hand, praying for me to wake up, my best friends from secondary school sitting at my bedside talking to me.
I have tears in my eyes just thinking of these images. The thought of leaving everything behind itself is painful, even though I'm already sick and tired of some things, like school and work.
Maybe this isn't just a constant reminder for myself, but everyone should know that life is worth it. Continuing to live your life shouldn't even be a choice, it's definite you have to keep going as long as you're able to.
I don't have the balls to say this to you straight, but pain and happiness are part of each other and you can't live with only one of them. You may be in deep sadness tonight but I'm sure within this week you've had moments where you laughed like there was no such thing as heartbreak.
The next time you shed blood, remember that it's a sign of life. That blood that slides down your arm is a sign that you're alive, and as long as you breathe, continuing your life as it is will always be worth it. You need to keep feeding your hope instead of giving so much attention to your pain.
Don't throw your life away, because even if the boy you like doesn't care, even if you think your parents don't, even if none of your friends ever asks if you're okay, you will always have family, and it doesn't have to be people because what you want to do in life is also enough reason to keep fighting.
I sound like I'm babbling but everything I've written has been harboured from my heart. I have tears in my eyes now and I'm trying hard not to let any drip. I'm writing this for myself, for a certain girl that I know is in pain, and for anyone else who feels like there's no more hope.
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