The Wonderland that is 2014

Call me crazy but I consider myself lucky for going through so much bullshit in life. Beginning of the year, I was left by the love of my life; I'd followed my broken heart down the rabbit hole, into the Wonderland that is 2014.

I'm glad he left me, because I wouldn't have gone through all these things, be they wonderful or horrible, and not only am I thankful for him, but I will also keep the memories of this place called 2014 in my heart for as long as I live.

This year was an adventure far worse and better than anything Alice had gone through in her own Wonderland. I returned to my parents, had fights with them; I made a ton of new friends, lost just the same many; I fell in love many times, got my heart broken; I gained many new family members, lost a fair share.

Have you seen the many bracelets I wear on my left wrist? They aren't just ornaments for my hand but they have meanings to each. They were given by many different people, and I use that to represent everyone else who came into my life the same way.

If Wonderland was just a figment of a girl's imagination, then I'm glad I have these bracelets, proof that 2014 ever existed at all. I have no intention to forget anything from this year, and I will never.

A bracelet from my year 1 classmate to represent the friends who'd supported and made me laugh in poly.

I remember Loy, whom I was awkward and shy with but who helped me in Daeln. I never got a chance to show her how annoying I am, or got to know her better, but I will always remember how sweet she was to me, and I will always keep her bracelet.

I remember the boy named Aloysius whom we all called Tom. He had admired me for the way I kept going after my break-up, glad that I was still laughing with him, Loy and Shihui no matter how sad I was.

I remember how Shan listened to me at Holland, comforted me with not just words but actions too. I remember the little things he told me about himself, the story of the book he wished to write, his dreams and ambitions.

I remember how Jin asked me for my name on the second week of school, and the first thing about him that I noticed hahaha. He'd say stupid things to make me laugh, listen to what's going on in my life, confide in me what's in his.

I remember how Justin would keep turning the switches on my desk on and off just to irritate me. The really silly things he kept talking about in APPG, the way he'd ask me random questions and make fun of me for the slightest.

I remember Shafiq, how he'd always call me just to say hi no matter what, the way he'd exclaimed how nice my hair was. I appreciate the rare times I could talk with him, because we seldom see each other in school anymore.

I remember how Susan would always come saying hi whenever I'm at the atrium alone. She'd talk about the randomest things and randomest people just to update me on her life, and we'd laugh at the craziest things.

I remember Hidir, the only other person I know who loves Singapore so much. I appreciate how he'd come over to me or wait for me to actually talk to me. And the things we'd talk about; how they'd range from crazy to deep.

I remember hearing about Hafizah a lot last sem, only getting to meet her when we were forced into a group together. We'd talk about whatever came to our minds, try to control our laughter at the back of Daeln lab, make plans about graduating together.

I remember Shihui, the only one who still gets excited everytime she sees me, I can be just as silly with without being embarrassed, make me laugh without even trying. The best friend from last year when we realised we were in the same boat.

A thin red hair-tie from one of my managers, to represent the people I've worked with at my new part-time job. 

I remember the people I worked with on my first night; Amanda, Jessie, Roger, how they were patient with me even though the crowds were stressing them out. Amanda advising about future studying, Jessie answering my questions patiently, Roger telling his own struggles with studies.

I remember Naff and Alee, making work with them always fun when they bully each other; Naff with her random dancing, Alee with his random comments. How they are the only ones at work I could laugh and babble on and on with about meaningless things.

I remember everyone else; Naz and Hafian, Esther and Shuwen, the way they'd helped me with anything I was struggling with. Eri, how she'd laugh at anything, make me laugh and at the same time disciplining me to do better.

One of those loom band bracelets in gayblue, from one of the wind's secondary schoolmates, to represent the great friends lost when I lost him...

I remember Mel making me noodles when I'd ended up at her doorstep during my break-up. The words she said over and over to make sure I got it. She'd been the one who taught me that I should start living for myself rather than others.

I remember Naqib coming to Woodlands just to fetch me when I was being a stupid and sad girl. He even sent me all the way back to Pasir Ris even though he lived in Yishun, also speaking the same advice repeatedly because I was being stubborn, refusing to move on.

I remember how Farhan came to me just to ask how I was because he'd dreamt 3 bad dreams of me in a row. We had talked about our own experiences with the dreams we had at night. He was probably the only other person who'd understand my thing with the dreams.

I remember wanting to make friends with Juyani, but still feeling so embarrassed about the time I talked to her out of the blue during my break-up. I still want to make friends with her but I don't dare approach her anymore because I'm still embarrassed by that.

...and the greater friends gained when I lost him.

I remember Danny watching me sob my eyes out, comforting me even though he had difficulty with words. He'd sent me all the way to school, even waiting til I was dismissed from counseling, went through the troubles of buying me iced milo despite his social anxiety. I remember his long texts that had made me cry, his inner devastation when all I did was push him away.

I remember how Azim had called me kawaii, how he'd said I looked like a strawberry of all things, how we'd hung out at his school to 'study' when really we were just laughing at stupid things. I remember how I'd let him down, extinguished the tiny chance we could have had.

I remember the people of Estfut, making me giggle so hard to myself in the library. They were the first Whatsapp group I ever had, and I never got to be close to them because of a fall-out with one of them but I remember everyone and all the things we'd talked and raged about.

I remember Roshan, how he'd been so sincere in his feelings for me. How he liked me so much to the extent that he thought I was the one. I'm so grateful he'd felt that way, even though I'd pushed him away and taken it out on him, treated him as negligently as how my own crush had to me.

I remember Diyanah and her talking to me anonymously, how assured I was that somebody was there for me. I remember the way I'd looked at her and how she effortlessly had the one person that I wanted, how I could never in any way be like her, how I had to just trust that she would take care of him like I couldn't.

I remember Yazid, how I'd gotten so close to him only after my break-up. How he'd become my best friend in that few months, how we'd so easily talked and laughed about the most ridiculous things, made fun of each other like we were friends for such a long time. I remember how he always felt emotions on my behalf, from happiness in my moving on, to anger for my being cheated on.

I remember the way Zara stared at me when she saw me for the first time, how adorably she'd said "So that's how your voice sounded like!", how she was the one person at the time that I wanted to talk to about my crush. How she'd pulled me back to stand with her and her friends, telling me I was not allowed to stand alone whenever I tried to saunter away from the circle.

I remember Adly for everything he'd gone through for me, the way he'd felt emotions he didn't deserve because of me. I remember the way he'd try so hard to look cool all the time, but how easily I was able to make him laugh like a small kid. I remember him for all my stupid metaphors that he is, for all the times we fell back together despite being polar opposites.

I remember how Luqman had been the first one there for me after my break-up, the one I'd liked for everything that he was. I remember all the feelings I had for him, all the confusion and complication that circled us, all his thoughts that I wished I'd known sooner, all the hope he'd held without realising. I remember him as the one thing that I hoped to be, but never will be.

I remember Seira. 'Love' that was forbidden and had to be kept secret. A lover that may or may not have been there. Just another ghost floating in my soul.

A rusty chain from a Heroine, to represent the best Whatsapp group ever. 

First off, I continue to love Heroine because they were a family, and because it was thanks to this group I'd started to welcome the magic of birthdays back into my life. If it wasn't for the celebrations for Yat, Zye, Asyiq, Acap, no matter how small, and the wishes on mine, no matter how short, I would have continued hating birthdays. I will always remember this deed done by Heroine.

I remember the old Heroines, our many voice notes that would make me laugh so hard; our very first meeting at a rooftop beside Kallang station. I remember Hakim Shrek trying to quit smoking under my influence; I remember Mawar loving the younger Heroines like her little siblings; I remember Syafiq making a song out of my poems, I remember Anis, I remember Afad, I remember Ayumi.

I remember the newer and probably current Heroines, the few interactions I'd had with them. I remember Syaf waving at me from our school library; I remember Yat always copying my words and calling me a ghost; I remember Eka, how she seemed to admire me and like me no matter what, I remember Hakim, laughing at the faces I made; I remember Atiqah, I remember Feezah, I remember Asyiq, I remember Shawn.

I remember Izni, the things she'd told me in our taxi ride home from jalan raya. How I hadn't done anything more than listen, thinking about how I'd gone through that myself years before. I remember her for the person she shows everyone, because I never had courage to talk to her more than that.

I remember Hanafi, how I thought he was so tall, how weird he was when he first started talking in Estfut. I remember him for how he didn't easily forget things I said, for the things he told me that I never got to know if they were true or not, for how I thought he reminded me of the person I used to be.

I remember how Arie first talked to me during our jalan raya when I was starting to feel left out, how his exterior was the contrast of who he really was and how easily he laughed at little things. I remember him as a ghost for who he is and done and his obsession with zombies and all things scary.

I remember Acap for the many things he talked about, from his DJ stuff to his love life, how cool he may have seemed on the outside but how funny and irritating he actually was to me, the way he looked at me as I was talking about books, pretending to be interested.

I remember the way Zim would smile at everything he or I said, how we'd sat at a void deck talking about love lives over KFC, how we'd wandered around Woodlands with a motor helmet and a camera. I remember him for having been one of my first best friends of Heroine that never left.

I remember Effa, her voice when she sings and when she laughs, how she gave so much effort and love for people who did not deserve it. I remember how funny and happy she is with her friends, never forgetting the pain she felt inside. I remember in regret how I watched in silence as she suffered, from way back in February, without having guts to do or say anything.

I remember Naz for this group she's put together, how she loved everyone and vice versa. I remember her as someone I've wronged but never apologised to, only realising the mistake of not listening to her side of the story too late. I remember my sins toward her and her reactions to it that I would not blame her for.

I remember Zye and his lame jokes that he was always able to make funny, how he had a crush on me, the things he was attracted to me for. How broken he was when I rejected him for someone who didn't deserve it, his long text spewing all his feelings. I remember him as the big brother I never had, as someone whom I could run to and hide whenever I'm scared.

A watch from my best friend, to represent the best that I still have from secondary school. 

I remember Waikit for the senpai he's been since 2008 until now, how he'd called me sweet for having appreciated him when his other friends from secondary school had long forgotten who he was.

I remember Natalee and her enthusiasm for wanting to bring me to a cat cafe, how she's never failed to wish me on my birthday for years now.

I remember how shy Marissa had been to talk to me, how she'd thought I was an inspiration sometimes, how she'd been one of the few people I was surprised to know knew my birthday.

I remember Asleah leaving me so impressed with the dance skills I didn't believe she had, always looking so confident on stage. How she still made me laugh on the very rare times I managed to meet her.

I remember Pearl for continuing to laugh at my lame jokes even til now, on the few occasions I could see her. She'd always have her holidays on our school days and the other way around, being in Lasalle, and I appreciate the one time I managed to meet her this year.

I remember how Sabrina would put so much time and effort into her schoolwork, into hosting the 6th Reunion, into getting us souvenirs whenever she went on holiday, without fail. I remember our stroll around the airport, how she'd roll her eyes at my wisecracks.

I remember Shushan getting progressively prettier every time I see her, and yet still maintaining her super lameness. I remember the weird things she'd buy at bookfairs, like the binder and laminating machine, as if she'd wanted to make her own office in her bedroom.

I remember Siying always. I remember her spending yet another birthday with me, being the first I'd confided in about the wind's return, being the one to know me better than anyone without even talking to me for such a long period of time.

I remember how Farizah had been a host for my frequent visits to her school, how we'd reminisced about secondary school years in the zone of life beyond. I remember how she'd been so happy as well whenever I caught sight of my own crush.

A piece of wood with my name on it, dangling off a band from my mother, to represent the family she's brought me. 

I remember my only girl cousin, always so concerned and asking about school and my relationships even though she's got other things to worry about.

I remember my grandfather, still so spirited and chuckling to himself even on a hospital bed, his tendency to wander off like I would.

I remember my oldest uncle, putting all his love into renovating his new house, his constant anger and irritation to humans, only going soft and loving around his cat and kittens.

I remember my second uncle, how he'd make me laugh with his random comments when we're watching television or just hanging around in the kitchen together.

I remember my aunt, the look on her face when I came home heart-broken and hungover, only to tell her I was leaving and going back to my parents. I remember her being the dartboard for my frustrations, how she still loved me after I left her for a family she'd promised to protect me from.

I remember my father, hugging me after 2 whole years of not seeing me, holding back his tears as he said: "Daddy missed you so much."

I remember my sister-in-law, my awkwardness with her still labelled love compared to the dislike I felt for her the first time I saw her. Her text being the longest I'd received on my birthday, her being so concerned for me despite not being my real sister.

I remember my niece, staring at me with huge eyes the day after she was born, stopping her cries only after I rubbed her cheek.

I remember my big brother as the one and only person in the world that I hate.

I remember my little brother that I never got to see through puberty, the one person to live with my insanity and candidness every day and still remain my best friend.

I remember my mother, finally giving me reasons to believe she was proud of me and loved me, appealing against my dismissal from school, fighting for my life on my behalf.

I remember my grandmother, calling me every day if I'm at Pasir Ris or out, never staying mad at me for long, still making me hot milo even when she is.

Another loom band bracelet in green, from a Heroine's sister, to represent the other friends made through the people above. 

I remember being afraid of how Yuyul would see me, considering that she was a friend of my big brother's, but she'd been so nice to me. I remember the conversations with her that I never had with my own big brother.

I remember Nura whenever I am writing a new blog post, because she never fails to consume my words. I remember her as one of the very few people who follows and understands my every thought, and every new post is like a letter I'm personally writing to her.

I remember Ariff and his passion for flight and the aviation industry, his will to live every single day despite knowing he only has few left. I remember the love I had for him that existed only as smoke and never a flame, clouds and never a plane.

I remember Elin for being the person I have wronged, who still forgave me, who was so excited for our new friendship. She'd ask how I was, listen to me ramble on, make effort to type out long texts of advice. As much as I am grateful for her, I'd sometimes wish I could be more like myself with her and not shy anymore.

I remember Para, who anonymously asked how I was when he saw my depressing tweets, even gaining guts later on to admit it was him, and still occasionally asked how I was.

I remember Huda and Atiqah, Farizah's poly friends who let me study with them, taught me engineering Maths and gave me cookies to munch on whilst so, even making me laugh with their random stories.

I remember Aqilah and Aliff, the laughs we had at Aqilah's house, the time we'd gone to catch Lucy and taken a stroll down the city. I should have loosened up a little with Aqilah, being the same age as her, and I should have diverted the attention to Aliff, seeing how sad he'd been that day.

I remember Athirah and her love for cats, the way she'd jump-scared me half to death and laughed her head off while I laid half-dead on the floor. I remember the way she held on to me at Halloween Horror Nights, hid behind me when a zombie scared her, making me feel like I had a younger sister.

I remember Zaim being so pleasantly surprised, impressed even, to know my fascination with trains, my love for reading and writing, how it'd flattered me; I remember Fir, for his constant singing in the background that always made me laugh whenever I was talking to his cousin through the phone.

And around my neck, is a red dogtag, dangling off a chain from my wind, to represent what I will always fight for, what I will always love, what will always be home.

I remember 'Aamir as the flower I'd plucked off the field; as the bird who flew away as and when it liked; as the sun who continued watching me even from behind the clouds; as the river who pushed me along to places I never dared venture on my own. I remember him as everything; as the name that has been written beside mine.

I remember Pasir Ris, its constant changing alongside my own growing older. Every inch of it that's been memorised, every change it's gone and going through; like a sibling that is growing up together with you.

I remember Paya Lebar, the one thing I want that I never did have, its ground being a shelter to my past and future, for I have chosen it as my real home.

I remember passion, the only strength I ever had. My books, my metaphors, my dreams, my flaws; the things that push me apart from other people are what pull me together.

I remember life as my lover. I'd fallen in love with the view outside the window, the moon that followed me where I go, the wind that kept messing up my hair. I'd fallen in love with holding my chin up high, with walking on despite being so tired, with giving all I have to somebody who doesn't deserve it. I remember life as the one place where I'd fallen in love with everything and everyone.

____

365 days in this Wonderland had all possible routes walked, all strange characters met. While I may be nothing more than a lost girl to the eyes of the people I'd met, they on the other hand will stay etched into my memory as strong individuals for as long as I live.

I dare not live without pain as much as it's lonely to not be cared for.

I am in love with the idea of being alive, all of its flaws.

I am 19 and young, and I'd plunge myself down a waterfall despite my fear of the deep blue, for I wish to remain reckless with the love that is life.

____

***Initially edited this to the original version of Wonderland by Taylor Swift, but of course it got copyrighted, so I changed the audio to a cover by At Sunset.***

When the love of my life left me at the beginning of the year, I'd followed my broken heart down the rabbit hole, and stumbled upon the Wonderland that is 2014. 

Sounds cheesy, I know hah, but yes that's how the year has turned out. I've met so many new friends, went on so many fun outings. 

Okay the first half of the video focuses on my love for the roads that was borne of my loneliness at the beginning of the year, and the later half on the laughs I've had with both old and new friends later on. I'm very blessed for everything that 2014 came to be, even though I'd felt like I was gonna die back in January.