Strange and beautiful sorrow

"Deep inside I know I want to keep this thing,
to stop calling it a 'thing' even.

But I know I can't, and it's a reminder of my mistake
the mistake of meeting you
of letting you get to me
of saying yes to your every need
of loving you.

It's a memento of you
times spent with you
and at this point I'd rather forget everything about you.

The look in the wind's eyes when he reminded me
of how he'd been faithful to me even when he left me
how I, on the other hand, have been fooling around
falling in 'love' more times than he could count

I wish to remain faithful to him even if he doesn't love me anymore
because there is half of someone else inside me now
I wish to love him more than anything.

Maybe I already did, but the way I executed it was all wrong
I loved him more than I loved myself
and that was why I'd rather let those things happen to me than watch him walk away.

I do not want him to love me now either
with half of someone else being part of me.

I wish to rid of this thing, even from my conscience
I wish to be cleaner than the air
I wish to be a flower again.

If there's one thing I regret after giving all my love to you,
it's the February 13th, 2013,
when I plucked the second last flower off the field.
He hasn't stopped spinning in chaos ever since.

I realised how much of a treasure he is
after all the times I enjoyed the sins with you.

The bruises on my wrist and the bite marks down my chest
At the very moment, I loved it
but staring at myself in the mirror after that
arguing with you everyday after that 
getting hurt by you over little things after that

made me wish I was with the wind.

Even if we never kiss,
even if we only make love years down the road,
I wanted to be with him more than anything.

I want to be with him more than anything.

I missed him so much even before you were gone
and I'm admitting this now
I am not ashamed about my feelings, ever. 

I'm glad I can write down all this
because if I were to say it out loud, I won't believe it's happening to me.
Writing makes me feel like it's just another story
just another piece of fiction created for the feels.

I want to throw this thing away
and at the same time I want to protect it with my everything
but I don't want it to grow into a person like you.

I wish I could keep it
but I don't want it
I'm done with myself, and I'm done with you,
and I'm certainly done with what we've created.

I've made my decision

and I know after this nobody would want me anymore
whether or not I keep it
especially not my precious wind.

I am in deep remorse but I'll keep living in place of its life.

My strange

and beautiful

sorrow."