Circa Heroine

Back to the year 2011, when I was the girl running around with that lousy camera, irritating everyone by recording their faces. I wasn't friends with everyone, had just the few girlfriends I was happy with.

This little video recording job was the only opportunity for me to talk to every one of my classmates. If not, half the time I'd just be in the shadows, behind even my best friends.

By the end of the year, I loved all my classmates more than anything. I loved how we made effort to go out and plan chalets, I loved the memories they gave me in my video camera. Even til now, I'd look back at those videos and I'd still laugh to myself in reminiscence.

2012 was when I was completely alone, but by the end of the year these classmates were reaching out to me, and I appreciated them finally noticing me from the corner of the classroom. I remember each and every one of them, their very actions and words, even til now. I'll never forget because even now I'm still thanking them.

The reason why I got kicked out from my Pasir Ris house 2 years ago was because I'd stayed out overnight with these classmates.... It was the class chalet, and everyone else was staying up all night, so I decided to join them.

I got back in the morning only to have my dad kick me out. I went months being a pure Paya Lebar girl, not seeing my parents the whole time. Sometimes a part of me blamed my classmates, but I tried not to, because no matter what I still loved them.

I loved them more than anything, but they didn't love me back. Of course. Not everyone you love returns the feelings, right?

Love isn't just for a lover, but also for family and friends... The sadness that comes after you get rejected by a friend is no different than being thrown away by a lover.

Come 2013, when I have new classmates; people all over Singapore gathered together as 1A1. We were all so awkward at first, but after a few days of a Whatsapp group and orientation we started meeting outside school.

Gosh, I was so happy with them all, the laughing non-stop at stupid jokes, spending our hours-long breaks playing pool, sneaking out of class to get ourselves snacks.

I rejoiced in our differences, wanted us to stay together til whenever, because I was starting off that path with them. Of course that didn't last forever either... I was force-fed with the truth that the people you meet in poly will never be your friends forever.

I'm alone until now, with only 1 true friend who was in the same boat as I was, and I'm grateful for her, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to still be friends with my original classmates.

Friends are the closest to family, sometimes closer than your own blood.

I joined the Whatsapp group community early this year because it was obvious I wasn't gonna make friends any other way. The people in my school were just way out of my league, and I was too shy to interact with anyone in real life.

After just a few days in Heroine, I already loved them. I'd laugh to myself thanks to our conversations, no matter how sad I was before that. No matter how lonely I got, a whole day of laughter was just a "Hi guys" away.

Again, we were all a collection of different people. We were all scattered around Singapore, messy with all kinds of personalities.

The original Heroines were the ones who gave me that little push to move on from my then-recent break-up. When we first met, we weren't awkward; we laughed and bullied each other like long-lost friends. They were my everything.

Even when things got a little messed up, with people developing unreturned feelings and leaving the group unannounced, I loved Heroine more than anything. I had many groups, but they were the one and only who had all of my heart.

I was gone for a while because my phone was a little crazy and I couldn't use Whatsapp. When I came back, most of the people I knew were gone, replaced by countless new numbers, new faces.

At first, I didn't like it; I missed the older members, but as time went on I grew more comfortable with everyone. I learnt to accept the change, to embrace the new and at the same time never forget the old.

The few times all of us met up, I was more than happy and grateful to be in that group. I kept thinking of my secondary school girlfriends, how they all had their own poly friends while I didn't. How the wind had his own ite friends and I didn't have any in poly.

Heroine was my version of tertiary best friends. They meant so, so much to me, and I was so proud to call them my friends.

They were more than friends; they were family.

I loved all of them, each and every one of them. Maybe that's a lie, maybe I do still love them... That would explain why I get all teary-eyed whenever I think of them there without me.

I didn't have a say in this. I never wanted to leave, but just because I have sinned one person from there, I am forced to make my undesired exit.

I am a little mad at the fact that he was the cause of all the events of the past 2 months, and yet she made me out to be the bad guy. He calls Heroine 'just another group', while Heroine is the world to me. He doesn't deserve to be in there at all, if following suit my opinion.

As much as I love him, I hate him more everyday as long as he is in there and I am not.

Funny how they would get upset when someone leaves on their own intention, but they don't make a single stir when someone who loved them more than anything is shunned by one person.

I get sad thinking about it, wanting to be in there with everyone again but I know I can't do anything about it. This is just another group of friends that I'd regarded as family but whom see me as nothing but just another person.

Even if I never talk to anyone in there ever again, I just wanna make it clear that I'd never forget a single one of you. Even if we had the tiniest bit of interaction, I'll never forget it, because every single individual in there meant so much to me.

I don't even know if anyone of them reads this but hey. At least it's out of my system. Gosh I just loved them so much... But I'll let them go if I have to.

I know I haven't shown my love for you guys and I haven't been showing my concern upfront. I'm always watching from the shadows, hoping you'd be okay even if I'm too shy to say anything or to offer a listening ear. But please accept my words because they are all I have for you. I love you guys so much but I know I've to let all of you go.