A poem about strength

Strength is distinguishing alive from dead;

Bullets barely grazing the side of your head. 

Strength is walking in a new direction;

A rusty swing constantly in motion.

Strength is the scenery changing as you pass;

Not bothering to sweep up the broken glass. 

Strength is your fingers flying across the piano keys;

The opportunities you never had guts to seize. 

Strength is putting away dusty photo frames;

No more crying when you hear certain names. 

Strength is the determination to breathe and float;

The lifting of the oars to row the boat.

Strength is smiling at the blistering heat;

Running until your heart forgets how to beat.

Strength is a bridge formed by differences;

Being pulled closer the longer the distance.

Strength is the bruises turning a murky yellow;

Jumping despite unawareness of what's below.

Strength is having a voice louder than thunder;

Standing in harsh winds without as much as a shudder.

Strength is the pride and love for your inner soul;

The continuous burning of fire against the cold.

Strength is lifting your knees up from the ground;

Your chin to the sky, no more looking down.

____

I can go on and on forever because strength comes in so many forms, but I shall stop here.

Circa Heroine

Back to the year 2011, when I was the girl running around with that lousy camera, irritating everyone by recording their faces. I wasn't friends with everyone, had just the few girlfriends I was happy with.

This little video recording job was the only opportunity for me to talk to every one of my classmates. If not, half the time I'd just be in the shadows, behind even my best friends.

By the end of the year, I loved all my classmates more than anything. I loved how we made effort to go out and plan chalets, I loved the memories they gave me in my video camera. Even til now, I'd look back at those videos and I'd still laugh to myself in reminiscence.

2012 was when I was completely alone, but by the end of the year these classmates were reaching out to me, and I appreciated them finally noticing me from the corner of the classroom. I remember each and every one of them, their very actions and words, even til now. I'll never forget because even now I'm still thanking them.

The reason why I got kicked out from my Pasir Ris house 2 years ago was because I'd stayed out overnight with these classmates.... It was the class chalet, and everyone else was staying up all night, so I decided to join them.

I got back in the morning only to have my dad kick me out. I went months being a pure Paya Lebar girl, not seeing my parents the whole time. Sometimes a part of me blamed my classmates, but I tried not to, because no matter what I still loved them.

I loved them more than anything, but they didn't love me back. Of course. Not everyone you love returns the feelings, right?

Love isn't just for a lover, but also for family and friends... The sadness that comes after you get rejected by a friend is no different than being thrown away by a lover.

Come 2013, when I have new classmates; people all over Singapore gathered together as 1A1. We were all so awkward at first, but after a few days of a Whatsapp group and orientation we started meeting outside school.

Gosh, I was so happy with them all, the laughing non-stop at stupid jokes, spending our hours-long breaks playing pool, sneaking out of class to get ourselves snacks.

I rejoiced in our differences, wanted us to stay together til whenever, because I was starting off that path with them. Of course that didn't last forever either... I was force-fed with the truth that the people you meet in poly will never be your friends forever.

I'm alone until now, with only 1 true friend who was in the same boat as I was, and I'm grateful for her, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to still be friends with my original classmates.

Friends are the closest to family, sometimes closer than your own blood.

I joined the Whatsapp group community early this year because it was obvious I wasn't gonna make friends any other way. The people in my school were just way out of my league, and I was too shy to interact with anyone in real life.

After just a few days in Heroine, I already loved them. I'd laugh to myself thanks to our conversations, no matter how sad I was before that. No matter how lonely I got, a whole day of laughter was just a "Hi guys" away.

Again, we were all a collection of different people. We were all scattered around Singapore, messy with all kinds of personalities.

The original Heroines were the ones who gave me that little push to move on from my then-recent break-up. When we first met, we weren't awkward; we laughed and bullied each other like long-lost friends. They were my everything.

Even when things got a little messed up, with people developing unreturned feelings and leaving the group unannounced, I loved Heroine more than anything. I had many groups, but they were the one and only who had all of my heart.

I was gone for a while because my phone was a little crazy and I couldn't use Whatsapp. When I came back, most of the people I knew were gone, replaced by countless new numbers, new faces.

At first, I didn't like it; I missed the older members, but as time went on I grew more comfortable with everyone. I learnt to accept the change, to embrace the new and at the same time never forget the old.

The few times all of us met up, I was more than happy and grateful to be in that group. I kept thinking of my secondary school girlfriends, how they all had their own poly friends while I didn't. How the wind had his own ite friends and I didn't have any in poly.

Heroine was my version of tertiary best friends. They meant so, so much to me, and I was so proud to call them my friends.

They were more than friends; they were family.

I loved all of them, each and every one of them. Maybe that's a lie, maybe I do still love them... That would explain why I get all teary-eyed whenever I think of them there without me.

I didn't have a say in this. I never wanted to leave, but just because I have sinned one person from there, I am forced to make my undesired exit.

I am a little mad at the fact that he was the cause of all the events of the past 2 months, and yet she made me out to be the bad guy. He calls Heroine 'just another group', while Heroine is the world to me. He doesn't deserve to be in there at all, if following suit my opinion.

As much as I love him, I hate him more everyday as long as he is in there and I am not.

Funny how they would get upset when someone leaves on their own intention, but they don't make a single stir when someone who loved them more than anything is shunned by one person.

I get sad thinking about it, wanting to be in there with everyone again but I know I can't do anything about it. This is just another group of friends that I'd regarded as family but whom see me as nothing but just another person.

Even if I never talk to anyone in there ever again, I just wanna make it clear that I'd never forget a single one of you. Even if we had the tiniest bit of interaction, I'll never forget it, because every single individual in there meant so much to me.

I don't even know if anyone of them reads this but hey. At least it's out of my system. Gosh I just loved them so much... But I'll let them go if I have to.

I know I haven't shown my love for you guys and I haven't been showing my concern upfront. I'm always watching from the shadows, hoping you'd be okay even if I'm too shy to say anything or to offer a listening ear. But please accept my words because they are all I have for you. I love you guys so much but I know I've to let all of you go.

The silence after fire

An explosion.

The last thing I remember before the burst of flame was the presence of other people around me. Everyone was laughing, enjoying each other's company, moments before they were all torn mercilessly to shreds.

I remember my palms placed flat against my ears, and him jumping to wrap his arms around me. I remember cuddling against his chest, seeking solace in his scent like it was a physical wall that could protect me.

You don't know what 'loud' is until you hear silence.

It was deafening.

The silence was screaming from within me, threatening to split my head wide open. It was louder than what any concert or clap of thunder could ever be.

I don't recall how long I closed my eyes... I squeezed them so tightly I thought my eyelids would have eventually ripped apart.

I opened them to see everything gone. Pasir Ris, the town where I'd grown up in, nothing but ruin and debris. The grass stained with blood, roads littered with burnt body parts.

I'd closed my eyes with his arms around me. When I opened them, they were still around me.... Just his arms. The rest of him was gone. Whatever had been left of him was a mangled, charred mess with the remains of everyone else.

Everything and everyone was in ashes, and I was the only survivor.

The sound of the explosion completely deafened me, but the silence and still that followed was louder, that it masked even my screams.

I jerked awake from my mattress and released a breath I was unconsciously holding.

Crazy thoughts

I was on the train today, and I was standing in the same spot the whole time. I still had a long way to go, and then I spotted someone getting ready to alight. Of course I got ready to take his seat because duh I wanted to sit.

I was about to sit, the seat being just two steps to my left, and then BAM! this woman who just came in stole my seat like nobody's business. She sat down and continued watching whatever movie on her phone, oblivious to the heart that she had just broken [mine].

Well damn, I squinted my eyes at her in frustration, and the more I stared at her the more I wanted to hit her in the head. Really!

But I didn't of course, as much as I wanted to. And then I had a train of random thoughts following suit: if I had listened to my heart and hit her like I'd wanted to, the people on the train would think I was crazy.

And then it occurred to me that you would usually be called crazy if you do or say things that you want to.

Thinking about it, I've been called crazy a bunch of times for speaking my heart out, be it out of happiness or anger or whatever. Is that how things really work? People dismiss your thoughts as craziness if they don't accept them.

You'd walk down the street and a random man could come up to you and shoot his mouth off, and even if whatever he was saying made sense, you'd just dismiss him as a crazy person. Do I not make sense???

I don't know, I just had these random thoughts. Am I the only one who sees the world the way I do, who is brave enough to actually say what I want? If I am, then does that make me crazy?

Love someone different

I once let go of someone I really liked, because I strongly believed that all I would do was destroy him.

He was a flower, and I was a flame. I couldn't disrupt his perfection with my rage.

He's never had a first love, never had a girlfriend, never had his first kiss, never harmed a hair on anyone else or himself. While I, on the other hand, I've thrown away every ounce of innocence I used to have. Permanent scars to symbolise my dirty past forever. 

I let it go because I knew I didn't deserve to be his first anything. That I couldn't ever be, and that he deserved to have someone better than I ever will be.

It was the sad truth, but it was a pity, because he meant so much to me and I really did like him more than I ever thought.

If this was a movie, fate would continue pulling our lives together. Time would ensure the flame intertwines around the flower, like a vine in itself, wholly accepted by something that it would have otherwise destroyed.

Because after a lot of thought, I realise that Fire and Grass make the perfect lovers. 

A flame can show the noise and buzz of the outside world to a flower, her energy warming up his roots and petals, ensuring he continues to prosper and live.

A flower can show the quiet and soft side of the world to the flame, his silence calming her and burning her anger down to the ground.

Maybe the perfect lover is not someone who shares the same interests in you, or someone who has the same experiences as you.

Maybe the perfect lover lies in the person most different from you.

Maybe differences are what pull two together.

Love someone completely different from you, so they can show you the side of the world you never knew, and you can show them the side which they don't.

That's a way for you to belong to each other. And there's definitely something beautiful about loving yourself and your other, two differently broken shapes that piece together a whole new world. 

Aceing 2 S5 :-)

So exactly a month ago on the 10th of September, I tweeted something that went along the lines of: "Everyone has new phones and still getting new phones while I'm approaching 2 years using my Ace 2."

I don't even know how old an Ace 2 is. I just know it's so damn old that they don't sell phone covers for it anymore. That's how you know it's an ancient phone model.

About 5 hours after I tweeted that, I got a pleasant surprise. My aunt and my mom had gotten me a new phone as an advanced birthday present. And it was a freaking S5!!!

I haven't gotten a new phone in ages, I just didn't know how to react. It was a huge jump from Ace 2 to S5 though, so once I was able to use it, I realised how awesome it actually is. That's when my reaction went up a notch.

5 things about my new phone that make me realise how shitty my previous phone was.

1. First things first, I can now see emoji!!! Real life emoji that I can choose from in my own keypad, other than on Whatsapp. And I can see and use them on Twitter and Instagram, gosh. You have no idea how much that excited me!

2. The camera's quality was so good!!! In the past I was always getting worked up over a mere iphone's camera quality, but this was way better! And that selective-focus thing just made me fall in love.

3. I could see gifs and vines on Twitter. Yes, in my previous phone, I couldn't see those because 'this media cannot be played'. I could only see them on my laptop. The day I discovered vines, I smothered my timeline with retweets of them.

4. Honestly I had no idea you could edit your photos on Instagram. I only had to use their normal filters, I didn't know the existence of all those brightness and contrast editing thing, which was way better than their normal filters lah! And also, INSTAVID!!! My Ace 2 couldn't instavid for some reason, so the moment I realised I could now do that, boy was I so excited.

5. My Ace 2 had very little memory, so I didn't download that many apps. Just the usual social media and shit. And now, with my S5, I took the opportunity to use all the apps that others have been using for a long time. I'm being so jakun with freaking vscocam right now, even though it's a simple photo editor. It's just so pretty and shit, what more with the better camera quality!!!

6. Oh, one more. The fact that there actually are phone covers for this phone being sold. And many designs too, it's just.... *.*

7. Oh, ONE more. The fact that the voice note quality is so good. It intensifies my laziness to type, because it doesn't make my voice sound so horrible as compared to my previous phone.

To end off this overly excited blog post, here are some pictures I took around my room and edited. Yes, I have pictures in my blog, but this is the only exception because it's too cool!!!

Yes, I sound like I'm promoting the S5. Silly me. I shall kill this excitement now.
*runs around the house to continue taking and editing pictures*

If rain was my friend

There are different kinds of rain.

There is the summer rain that sweetens all that is bland and brings no cold, just company.
The rain which makes you want to read a book while listening to the melody of its raindrops.
The rain which makes you want to share your umbrella with your lover, a first kiss full of gentleness and innocence.

There is the pouring rain that makes you want to stay in your dreams.
The rain that is accompanied by wind, cooling your neck and making you want to bury your face under the blanket.
The rain that intensifies your desire for that special someone, to spread warmth to them.

There is the piercing rain that stabs your skin from all over.
The rain that you walk underneath, sharp raindrops that are nothing in comparison to your internal pain.
The rain that reminds you how alone and cold you truly are, forcing your hands to be buried deep in your pockets.

There is the heavy rain that creates a din against your window.
The rain escorted by lightning and thunder wherever it goes, sudden jolts and claps of memories you want to forget.
The rain which makes you want to hide forever with your eyes and ears closed.

____

Summer rain is the tears you cry out of thought.
The innocent tears you shed when you long to be the pillar of strength for someone.

Pouring rain is the tears you cry out of gratitude.
The joyful tears you shed when you know you have all that you need in life.

Piercing rain is the tears you cry out of loneliness.
The sad tears you shed when you lose someone who means the world to you.

And heavy rain is the tears you cry out of rage.
The angry tears you shed when you realise you can't do anything about it.

Line between reality and possibility

Don't know if you've noticed, but I haven't been writing in as regularly.
Don't know if you know, but that's because I've been so damn busy.
Reading books.

I've borrowed tons of books from the library in September, and since they had due dates with them I rushed to read them all. I still have 10 more to go, heh.

I'm just blogging now because I've had these thoughts over the past few days or maybe weeks.

So I read this book called Pivot Point by Kasie West, a paranormal YA. This paranormal world where people have 'abilities'; our main character Addie has the ability to Search; when faced with decisions to make, she is able to see into the futures for each choice.

When her parents got a divorce, she had to choose between staying in the paranormal world with her mom, or move to the real world with her dad. So of course, she decides to see into both futures. The chapters alternate between each futures.

During her Search in the future with her dad, she meets this boy named Trevor. A normal boy, with no abilities, considering he's from the real world. At one point of the Search, Addie decides to tell him all about her ability, all about the paranormal world.

They're having that loving moment, him cupping her face in his hands and she looking at him adoringly when Trevor asks; "Addie, what if this is a Search? What if now, this very moment, isn't set in stone. What if you're just seeing a vision of what could be?"

That caused some bomb of realisation to explode somewhere in my head. The thought of a moment being something less than a reality. A moment being just a dream, or a daydream. That it was never real, or that it will never be real.

Addie chose the future with her mom, so she never met Trevor in the same way as in her Search. In the sequel, Split Second, she goes to live with her dad in the real world during her holidays, and there she does meet Trevor, but in a completely different way.

Can you imagine having someone you shared moments and love with, staring at you like you're just a stranger? Another thought that ripped my heart out. To have Addie being the only one who 'remembers' all that time spent together.

Sure, it was just a Search, nothing more than a daydream, but it was also a potential future. It was going to happen for sure if she had chosen that path, and yet just as easily those moments could be violently taken away.

I don't know what you think of it, but it kinda scared me to think about it. To live in a moment only to imagine that it isn't set in stone, that it could be just a daydream.

Think of it this way, it's like having grown 20 years and then waking up as a baby, having all those years as a mere dream you were having. All those times you had fallen down, fallen in love, laughed and cried and all those friends you made were just a vision of the future. And now that you're back in reality, it's not confirmed that you'll have all that at all.

It's exactly like how sometimes the line is blurred between reality and Dreamworld. [if you know the problems I have with my nightly dreams] One second I'm very sure that's reality, and then I wake up to realise no, I was just dreaming.

Makes me question every moment that I breathe when I'm awake. I've read 4 books since then, and I'm still lost in the thought that right now, this moment, may or may not be real at all.

Don't know if I may seem like I'm babbling, but these are just the thoughts that came when I read those books. I'm getting goosebumps now.