The brightest star in the sky

There's always been something about him. Sure, at the beginning there weren't any feelings, but I still thought he was amazing.

I hadn't seen or talked to him for a long time, not til a few weeks ago when I was exploring Woodlands with a fellow Heroine. We'd gotten stuck in the rain, so we played 20 questions at a void deck while waiting for it to stop.

One of my friend's questions for me was, "Who's the most handsome guy you've ever met?" And I wasn't sure why at the time, but the first name, the first face, that popped up was his.

So I answered truthfully, and I elaborated that he's not only good-looking, but his character also contributed to him being 'the most handsome guy I've ever met'. Afterwards I couldn't help confiding in my friend about him, the parts of my life in which he had contributed greatly.

I only had the balls to strike a conversation with him some time later. It went okay I guess, just asked how was he and stuff. We used to talk about all kinds of random things, but I felt kind of awkward when talking to him again after a long time.

The first time I saw him after that was when I went over to his school, where my secondary school girlfriend was having her performance. I'd gone there on Wednesday and Thursday, and while I hadn't seen him on Wednesday, I totally was not expecting to see him the day after.

But guess what, I exited the train station and the first thing I saw was him.

We'd both walked out of the sheltered walkway, where crowds of other students were walking in. I don't know what kind of crazy coincidence that was.

I straightway walked back into the crowd and looked at my phone, pretending I hadn't seen him. I thought I'd say hi but I had a strong feeling he wouldn't respond.

Right after I was sure he'd walked past me, I couldn't help smiling to myself. I thought he was so cute. The whole route from the station to the entrance of his school, I was trying so hard not to grin like an idiot to myself. I really didn't think I'd be so happy just to see him.

He texted me later on, telling me he'd seen me, but that he wasn't sure if it was me. He couldn't recognise me with my glasses, heheh. It was a rare occasion where he'd started a conversation with me, and one that went on throughout my entire time at his school.

I'd always wanted to visit him at work because he said it was okay, but I never had the balls. I too wanted to send him home after work but yep, no balls. Every time I asked him out, I had to hide it in a coat of a joking tone so he wouldn't think I was serious. He always said no anyway.

Then Monday happened. For the first time in forever~, when I told him I was at his school, he'd asked me where I was, and that I could come to the library where he was at.

Gosh, I got so nervously excited, I just... Aaah. When I saw him, I just lost all my balls and couldn't remember anything which I'd wanted to ask him/talk to him about. My knees were shaking and I couldn't help stuttering a bit here and there. How embarrassing.

And then I got a chance to go home with him. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world at that moment, I swear. What is the statistical probability of being able to go home with someone you like? Gosh.

The trains were crowded so we decided to sit on the station waiting for the peak hour to pass. I had so much to ask him, though I don't think I'd managed to ask anything...

I'd known for a fact that he's shy around girls, or maybe just people in general. I remember a long time ago he'd said so, and that he gets nervous and anxious, even when he was with me. But he seemed fine on Monday, he didn't seem afraid to be himself, and I was secretly proud of him for that.

He showed me the memes and the gifs he'd laughed at, he showed me and gushed over his new favourite animal, he talked to me about the randomest things.

At one point of our chat, he said, "My throat is starting to hurt. I haven't been talking a lot because I'm not used to it."

It made me sad to hear that. Call it overthinking or exaggerating or whatever, but it made me feel like he'd cooped up his thoughts for so long. I don't know... It just broke my heart a little to know that he hadn't been talking to anyone else like he did to me.

As always, he refused to go for a movie with me, even after lots of my persuasion. He introduced me this game on his phone, some tap-tap-tapping on the black tiles, no touching the white ones.

It was hard as heck for me, until he said "If you can beat any of my high scores, I'll watch a movie with you." That was such good motivation for me, gosh. I found myself tapping faster and shit, hahaha!

Each time I lost, I'd scream of frustration, and he'd hiss and laugh, "Shut up lah!" But gosh. I love it when he laughs. The crinkles by his eyes and the fang at the side of his mouth.

We tapped out of the train station again to get a drink and sat by the sheltered walkway to chat some more. Because it hurt me to see him not knowing how amazing he is, I admitted how I'd long thought he's the most handsome person I'd ever met, outside and inside.

We finally got on a train around 8, when it was emptier than before. I loved the way he moved his head to follow the blue lights, and the expression of amazement in his eyes, gosh. That was the millionth time I'd melted that day.

I had to constantly remind myself that we were standing in front of the window, and that he could see in our reflections how I was gazing at him. I couldn't help it.

I was so thankful I hadn't gone back to Paya Lebar, because I had an expressway bus from Woodlands to Pasir Ris. It gave me reason to be able to send him home at Marsiling, hehe.

The last time we walked there by Marsiling station, I was a mess, drunk on alcohol and emotion. I didn't want to mention that night because I only wanted him to know that I'm a strong person who doesn't need to rely on anything, who doesn't cry about someone who gave up on her. I really wanted to show him that I'd changed since our last meeting.

But he asked, "What did you do here after I left you that night?"

"...I sat there crying my eyes out, and tweeting like crazy about how you left me there." I answered truthfully. And then I laughed. Because that time, although just 4 months ago, is a lifetime ago and it doesn't bother me anymore.

He went on about how heavy I was, and I started to feel a little relieved that that night seems like just a joke now.

The only thing about that night that I'll always remember is how pretty I realised his eyes are.

Our conversations went back to being random as we crossed the traffic lights and walked the big field in front of his house area.

I got so scared when we saw a frog, and he pretended to pick it up just to freak me out, ugh. And then he pretended he wanted to hold my hand when we passed a couple, just to imitate them, but laughed when I reached out for his hand seriously, UGH.

But that's just what I like about him. The way he annoys me all the time. As much as it really irritates me, I like how he's all like, "Hey! That's your 'I'm a faggot!' face!" whenever I sulked, in reference to a November memory.

At the lobby of his lift, we had a little silence. I really didn't want to say goodbye.

We did more silly handshakes, probably the only time I could ever make contact with his hand. And that was it. The lift door closed, and I was alone again.

But boy was I euphoric. I met and told a cat about how happy I was. I skipped my way through the field. I was smiling so much til my cheeks hurt. I was tired as hell, but it was worth it.

It'd be nice to be a little closer to him, honestly. I never had intentions to make him my boyfriend or anything. I don't really want us to fall in love and shit, but it'd be nice to, well, get to know him better.

I swear some quotes on Twitter do make a lot of sense. "There's a difference between liking someone for who they really are, and liking someone only for the attention they give you."

I think I'm one of the lucky few to know this difference.

You've no idea how amazing he is. He doesn't see himself the way I do, but I enjoy his presence, I appreciate his thoughts, and I admire his stand. I like how he's invisible to others, because it made me feel like that way I could have him all to myself.

I'd always wanted to know how it was like to be in his shoes. He talked to me about his personal life sometimes, but still I wonder how his life is really like. He's probably gone through a lot, but he seems way stronger than me.

It'd be nice to know his thoughts too. How his brain really works, considering his obsession with all things Science. His liking for the internet. His forever aloneliness.

I really do like him the way he is, whether or not he likes me back.

It's really okay. He's a little flower, perfectly fine as he is, left unpicked. When you see a flower, you don't pick it, you leave it as it is because love is about appreciation, not possession. All you have to do is water it regularly, if someone else already haven't.

Besides, he's just wonderful on his own. I feel like I shouldn't taint his perfection by being with him. That's why I'm just fine admiring him from afar. That laugh of his, and those eyes.

His existence has left quite an impact on my recent life. I don't know how to explain this, other than that it's the thought of him that motivates me to study hard, to walk with pride, to not give a shit about any negativity. It's the thought of him that pulls me through the day.