Honestly, I've always believed that my mom doesn't love me. A long time ago, she did something she wasn't supposed to and told me not to tell my dad, which was exactly what I'd done. I could have sworn she hated me after that, like there was a difference between the ways she treated me before and after the incident.
Time passed and I still felt like she didn't accept me. Her anger scared me, how she vented it on me sometimes. How she would compare me to other girls and kept emphasising how I wasn't a perfect daughter just because I didn't dress up and shit.
I went a year without my mom in my presence. To me, that was a huge relief. It was an escape. The last time we'd seen each other before this gap was the day I got my O Level results. She came over to my aunt's place and demanded to see my results slip.
I refused, because I knew it was unfair that she hadn't been there for me during the time I was taking my exams. She locked me out of the house when I missed a curfew by an hour, because I'd been studying at the airport. She hurled vulgarities at me telling me not to come home ever.
She started hitting me, right in front of my aunt and uncles, when I rejected her for the millionth time that No, I am not gonna let you see my results. Because I strongly believed she didn't have the rights. My whole sec 5 year, she was never there for me.
When her siblings defended me, she stopped hitting and yelled: "Okay, fine, don't let me see your results, but I'm cutting off all ties with you!" That was the last time I ever saw her, up to about 11 months later in December, when my grandmother and cousin persuaded me to go see her.
And then early this year, I had a bad break up and that was when I realised I needed her. I went back to my Pasir Ris household, after I'd sworn countless times I was never going to.
These are the five reasons to let me believe she's always loved me.
1. She readily accepted me back.
She didn't wonder why the hell did I suddenly wanted to go back to her. If she knew it was because I had problems, she understood I didn't want to talk about it, and so she didn't ask.
2. She continues trying.
She was never perfect, like I'd said, because of the way she treated me. Maybe it was the way she just is, but when I came back to her, she realised she needed to change her behaviour for me. She buys me books, she asks me out shopping, she treats me lunch and dinner. Back then, she rarely had that much time for me. For us.
3. She loves me the way I am.
The other day when we went out for lunch, she told me that she's always been secretly glad that I'm a weirdo and that I'm not like other girls. It was a surprise to hear her saying that! All these years, it always seemed that she detested me for being 'different'.
4. She's grateful I have the interests that I do.
My brothers and dad never had the same taste in food and life in general with her. They don't eat sushi, they hate traveling and exploring, they have terrible navigation skills. I, on the other hand, have the same interests as her, and we both have that navigation magic and the love for roads.
5. She's proud of me, after all.
Ever since I came back, she was always asking me for these little favours, to meet her friends/colleagues when she wanted to pass them something. I've always been obliged, but it was because she wanted to show me off; she wanted her friends to see how grown-up and pretty she thought I was. Another pleasant surprise, contradictory to what I've always believed she'd thought all these years.
Sure, we've been through hell in each other these past years, almost a decade now, but she's still my mother after all, and I'm still her only daughter. Although she wouldn't say it directly that she loves me, like I wouldn't tell her, I know her feelings deep inside.
Among both my parents, I'm a lot like her. We're both angry all the time, we're both lazy people, but we both feel contented being on the roads and we're both, I'd like to believe: strong people.
I ain't as strong or beautiful or smart as she is now, but that's all the more reason for her to be my role model and inspiration. She's my mom and I treasure her.
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