Just let me

I'm currently staying in Pasir Ris. The place I'd tried to avoid the whole of last year, the place I was supposed to call home, the place I most thought did not deserve such a name.

Why am I here?? I don't know. I don't like waking up to see my old bedroom all around. I don't want to get used to it either. It just feels weird, and not right at all. Maybe I'm here because I am a coward, running away from something once it starts being different.

What was Paya Lebar without my granny and that faggot? What was 'home' when she wasn't sleeping next to me or when his arms were gone from around me? What was life without the old woman who was still strong enough to take care of a worthless child like me, what was life without the cutiepie who made me laugh and swoon so easily?

I can't deny that the faggot is what pulled my life together. How many times have I looked at him whenever he's laughing, telling myself "This is it. The guy I'm in love with." How many times have I been grateful for him, how many times I'd wanted to give up but just could not.

...So cruel of you.I still remember so clearly last October, how you told me you had fallen in love with me: ten months after we got together. It hurt me so bad and I thought maybe this isn't the happiness I desire. But I went on, hoping I could change you, believing you would change yourself. Because faith.

Thinking back, I'm shocked to see you leave just like that. Because you've "lost interest and feelings". I remember, how before we met, you were so lonely and badly needed someone to love and to love you back. You found me. I thought you'd be thankful for that, I thought you'd wanted me for as long as you could, after saying all that to me about how nobody ever liked you for who you are.

Thinking back what your best friend said: about how you only wanted me because of my looks? About how you just wanted to show me off for a while? Even if it's true, you know how I'd shown you who I really am. Even the bad points, which you so readily accept again and again. And vice versa. Why did you let it go to waste just like that? Why couldn't you forget your main reason of coming after me, and just focus on how things have been between us as time passed on? No?

As your other friend, from tertiary, had said: "On the verge of giving up, remember why you held on for so long. " Instead of just accepting the fact that you didn't love me at all why didn't you just remember all the patience you had given me, all the times you wanted to leave but had stayed, because I know you had those moments. Or maybe think of what I've done for you?? Whatever memory we made together?? Because whenever I wanted to give up on you I think of what you've gone through for me and I changed my mind.

You could have given this another chance. I know you're better than that. Like how I always believed in you. It's just so saddening to remember how you always wanted someone, and when you found me, you just got tired of me and ended up dumping me one year later. Those goddamned promises of yours doe.

Just let me try again. It hurts to sit in the sidelines watching my misery unfold when I know I can do better for you. I'm sorry I was not perfect but I'll do better. ...Just let me.