What are you thinking? I will never know. You used to beg me all the time, never to leave you no matter how shitty you got. You told me to bear with you, and I did, and I would have even if you didn't tell me to.
And because my behaviour definitely gets shitty too, I wanted you to stay despite that as well. We promised never to leave each other. And due to what you've been through because of me, I had faith that you would always bear with me. Because you were the only one who's seen this much of me and still decided to stay.
I had so much faith in you.
Still, I knew that didn't mean I should keep being bitchy, thinking I'd get away with it. Well, I tried to change. I tried to be more adoring. I tried to be less stubborn, though I admit this was super difficult. When you said I was over-attached, I tried to text you lesser too, giving less energetic responses, though in the end I cried because it didn't make me happy to be giving you the cold shoulder.
You once said to me, a long time ago, "Thank you for your sacrifices." The word sacrifices. I didn't even know what I was doing for you could be called that. All I knew was everything I'd ever done for you was out of my own will. I may not have done much to begin with, but... Yeah. Sacrifices. I didn't know I made those. Because you really are important to me.
My pride. My ego. You and I, we both know these are my prized possessions. I don't think you've known me with 100% of my ego, because I think I've always put aside enough for your sake. How many times have I said sorry for hurting you, how many times have I said sorry for being angry at you when you were the one who hurt me.
After all we've been through are you really gonna let it all go? Right after persuading me never to leave you, even after the numerous times I was on the verge of doing so. This unfairness is one thing, but didn't I tell you before, when you're in a relationship you gotta love three things and that is the person, the memories, and the possibility of a future.
There comes a time when you would hate me like hell. That's the time you gotta stop and think, What has she ever done for me? What have I ever done for her? You've done so much for me, and it's gonna be a waste if you let it all go just like that. I did this for myself too, by thinking of whatever we've done for each other, what we've been through together. Because I swear to you, it really helps. It's how I'd managed to always stay with you no matter what.
My faith in you is what helps the possibility of a future thing. I believe in our relationship and that's why I don't mind spending my last bucks on a meal for you. Let others see this as silly, but we always have conversations about marriage. I've mentioned you paying back all the money you want as a husband, though I laughed when I said that but it's true isn't it?
I'm sidetracking from my main topic. What's my main topic again?
I don't know, but I believe I've done my best. I know it was a mistake on my part to have made you my everything. But I guess I just have that much faith in you. I believed in us so strongly. Just like back in our "courting" days, when you tried so hard to make me happy because you believed in us. I guess it's my turn. It'll always be my turn.
I told you again and again I'll always fight for you. Perhaps when you told me Goodbye, you were just signalling me to pull you back. Girls aren't the only sensitive people and I've learnt that through my relationship with you. I'm sorry I didn't bother to ask you what's wrong when I should, and I'm sorry for asking what's wrong when the time is not right. I'm sorry for asking you what's wrong when I myself didn't see it.
I guess a huge part of me is just really angry at you for breaking my faith in you. I think I stand strong for my faith while with you it's about the trust.
Anyway, you know I'm always angry for no reason, you do. I know too that I'm always quick to surrender to anger and blame, especially in the rush and panicky moments like when I dropped my laptop. And really, what makes it hard for me to part with you at the end of a date is always due to the fact that you're angry at me. I just can't stand letting you go home angry or upset, and yet I have no idea how to treat your emotions. I know I always ended up making things worse, but that's my reason for it.
And about the topping up your ezlink part... I've really never used the machine to top up before okay, apart from when I used Netts. I swear I've never used coins on it before. I did saw that the slot was closed, but I really thought it was gonna open when you slip in a coin. All I thought, when you were walking away, was that you didn't have enough money to top up. I asked you what's wrong because it was a reaction on my part, for wanting to help you out.
I guess that's all I can say now. I feel better now. You do know I will always fight for you no matter what. Because I will never ever forget how you never gave up on me during our younger days.
I suppose now it's your choice what you want to make this post of: the start, or the end.
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