I will never forget how you both kept hitting me without listening to me first.
I recall how she always hit me with a hanger, and he with his belt. ...Oh, i was the one who got him that belt for his 45th birthday.
It was unfair. Not only were they never there for me, but they never tried to listen to me when i had problems. Oh he said i could go to him if i had problems. So i told him. All he could do was hit me.
"Patut ah, tak belajar, selama ni kau keluar dengan jantan!" i remember his words, shouted from my bedroom door. As i laid on the bed clutching my stomach.. "Kalau dapat itu jantan aku rembat habis ah."
I didnt want to go to school because it was getting pointless.. He didnt listen to what i had to say. He only presumed that i was losing interest in my studies. What did he know.. He never looked behind the bedroom door.
All he cared was the competition between him and his many siblings. It was obvious from the very start. He kept pressuring me to go Jc. Mommy told me it was because.. If i did, i'd be the first among his brothers and sisters' children to have made it.
I dropped art on purpose so i'd only have 5 subjects. So i wouldnt have enough subjects to go to Jc. It was a rash decision but at that time i really didnt know what else to do..
Do you still remember..? When he thought i was being cocky just because i was taking O levels. "Dia ingat dia O levels je dia dah boleh pijak kepala kita." what did he know.. He didnt know i was way behind my classmates and i was aware of that.. THATS why i wanted to study so bad.. Is that "cocky"..?
And she.. When she carried me in her stomach did we not create any bond? Why does she understand my brothers but never me? I thought she would dote on me the most because i was a girl. She used to call me her "sweetheart darling honey".. And her nickname for me: "Nure'in". When was the last time she called me that in her affectionate tone? Is it just a childhood thing?
Why did she like to hit me? Why did she enjoy insulting me? Why did she give her attention only to her sons and not me? Why did she not notice that i was cutting? Was the blood all over the sleeve of my uniform not enough?
17 years, they raised me.. Was that not enough to notice if there was anything wrong with me?
Why did my elder brother received help and their attention when he already announced wanting to drop out of school? Why was my younger brother immediately sent to the hospital whenever he had a high fever?
Why was i shunned when i made it to Sec 5, an O levels year? Why was i not bothered with when i was sick, presumed to be pretending so i could skip school?
I never understood why they always came searching for me when i ran away in rebellion to their negligence. Like i used to say; "dont bring home an injured cat if you've no idea how to treat it."
They should be happier now. They have one less mouth to feed. A useless girl out of the family. A ghost out of that God-damned house.
I still dont understand why they hated me so much.
But it's okay. They dont own me anymore. I'm just an injured cat. They're sending me away, my aunt's place is like a vet, take care of me and heal me, or put me to sleep for all they care, so they can say "It really was beyond saving already."
I am beyond saving.
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