sorry for low quality and lack of pictures k!!!
Asleah went off with a bike and i followed with Faiz's skateboard, and i think i actually got the hang of it. i just got so pissed off cos i still didn't know how to change direction. and a couple of times i fell off and the board went flying to some of the parked cars! good thing no alarm went off!
and then there was the music tempo ready go which i played with Shushan, Nabilah, Fazerah and Farhan. not only was it super addictive but the people made it so much funnier! i couldnt breathe at one point of time cause i was laughing so hard.
so when the laughter and chaos died down for a while, i went to the next chalet and called Black. he answered, but oddly i found myself at a loss of words. i asked where was he, and when he said he was at home, all i could say was, "don't hang up." but he did.
i have no idea what the hell was that ten seconds all about. afterwards i got tired and decided to leave the chalet. Faeez gave me a parting gift in the form of a cigarette. and i've no idea why but then i decided not to go back to my house at all.
and so i put on my earpiece and played my playlist titled "I", and yes i went to his fucking void deck. i walked the exact path which we had walked on the very last time we hung out. and you bet i started getting all emotional.
lit up Faeez's cigarette, and when that was done, i decided that heck it, i'm gonna smoke my own now. sorry, but all along i did have my own pack..
one stick after another; one memory after the other. tried not to remember; times that could've been forever.
the memories played out right in front of me, even those from all the way back in 2009. i dont know if it was a hallucination or not, but every time i smoked that much i'd see the younger twin you know.
i dont know what the hell i was doing there. once again, i was waiting, knowing that nobody would ever come. a dozen cigarette butts sat at my feet, ashes blowing in the slight wind. there were cats in the distance but i didnt want them near me, and neither did they.
as crazy as it sounds, i'd wanted to go up to his unit and freaking toss my lighter at the gate. just so he could see the 109 written on it and freak out or some shit. i dont know what put me against it in the end.
so then... i decided to make my way back to the chalet. by then it was around half past 12, about? when i arrived, Chengyong and Nicholas were playing with the chalet cat, and i decided to sit there and watch them.
we all played the game where we had to get 24, whose name i don't really know. i was really slow at first, but eventually there was one turn where i was the only one who got the answer. that made me happy actually :D
some people surrendered to slumber, excluding me of course. staying up with friends was a lot more fun than staying up on my own, definitely. Wanxuan, Chengyong, Cedric, Weiliat, Daniel Mustafa stayed up too, and Nicholas who woke up and couldnt sleep back.
moved from writing in my diary to talking with Nick, and it made me feel better. talked about myself mostly, my apologies for that. i missed him a lot, he was a very good friend of mine til i fucked up back in August or somewhere. heh. he was the one who taught me how to cycle :3
so anyway, watching Cedric and Chengyong so hyper made me smile a lot, and then Zikri came out and tossed Mentos over the wall, which started an entire new game.
i dont know where to begin to describe those minutes of tossing [them] and laughing [me]. o gosh, i really agree that being in the company of people like them is so much better than being alone in the wee hours.
yes, we all stayed up til the sun came out, and as much as i loved it, it was really killing me! it was a good bonding time with them, though.
and i went off for a walk a little before the sun rose high, and i liked what i saw. against the sun rising, there were these two ladies on a motorbike riding through the carpark, and a DOZEN chalet cats following behind them. such a pretty and happy sight!
i actually laughed to myself. and the lady who wasn't driving looked at me and actually smiled back at me. that was such a good start to the day.
but of course, everytime something starts off beautiful, it will end up otherwise.
you get to your house at ten in the morning, and as always, the emptiness is what greets you. you had wanted to take a shower, but the mistake of falling into bed entitles you to immediate slumber.
you wake up to the violent banging of your bedroom door, which you had locked earlier. you hear your father's voice shouting your name, rattling the doorknob non-stop. when you open the door, he immediately lashes out his anger at you.
you fall to the floor, and keep screaming for him to stop hitting you. remember when mommy used to hit you all the time for nothing? the painful childhood memories flash into your head. you badly don't want to suffer the same as a teenager..
your father pulls you up and screams at you to pack your bags. he's kicking you out of the house, and this time it seems a lot more serious. he wants not to see your face or he'll beat you to death, he says.
you really want to intimidate him, see if he dares, but you decide not to.
he sees your Nikes on your bedroom floor and takes them, yelling that you don't deserve to keep whatever he'd ever given to you. you want him to take your life as well, because it is what he's also given you. at that second you so badly want to die in the hands of your parents.
no bueno! your favourite Youtuber's voice rings in your head suddenly. you decide to take it as your power source, and you suck up your tears, grab a few things, shove them into your bag. and you take out a beaten pair of sneakers from your cupboard. one of them was a little tight but they were better than nothing.
you go to the toilet, stare at your cutting object from a distance. and you... you take it.
you shove past your father, who was shouting at your brothers never to have contact with you anymore. he has taken your house keys too. fine, whatever. he slams the door, and you, you play with your lighter again and again, toying with the idea of arson.
you're angry at how your older brother was there all along just watching and doing nothing to save you. but you think of your innocent younger brother, scared and helpless, and walk away instead.
____
shall blog again when i feel like it. and yes, just so you know, Pewdiepie is one of the things in life which keeps me going. you've no idea how much a Youtuber can save your life, until you go through the feeling.
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