this song makes a lot of sense.
it's like, you have a very bad past which still affects you greatly, and when someone new comes along, you disregard it because of the ways the previous someone had hurt you. but this new someone loves you so much tht he's willing to wait for you til you're ready to accept him.
he's waiting for you to get over it, but he's not rushing you. he doesnt mind being away from you while you take your time healing your scars, because he loves you so much. he wants you to take it slow. the waiting doesnt bother him as long as you're okay.
at least, tht's what i think ah.
anyhoos, it's been a month. have i told you tht aft cheering comp i bawled at the bus stop whining tht boy's name repeatedly into pearl's hoodie sleeve? yeah, i did. just a random breakdown. but it was embarrassing as hell.
the last time i saw him, he had tears in his eyes. it's damn difficult to make him cry. i wonder if he's getting affected by the memories now, like he had been when he left me for the 2nd time. i wonder if he ever cried missing me .
whenever i go for walks, i end up walking by his block, it's been tht way since 2010. but despite knowing where exactly he lives, i've never went up there and beg for him back. no . because i am not obsessed .
i do think of him. i do wish tht we would be like last time because i miss him. yeah, it's all because i love him so much. but at least i dont beg him. i cry over him, i get angry because he lied to me again. but at the end of the day, .... i know it's his choice.
altho i start thinking abt him again the very next morning, and wish he'd be with me, i know it was what he wanted, and i respect it. i just havent been able to take it yet.
it's not as simple as it seems. there's a lot more reasons why i was so upset when he left, some reasons tht not even my best friend knows. it's all in tht little notebook .
anyways. ive been listening to Trapt a lot these days. many of their songs make so much sense, in particular These Walls. kinda like the situation i am in right now, the new identity shit.
i hope you dont kill me for what i'm gonna say now, but i once, for a second, had thought of dropping out of sch entirely. i'm damn tired. my mom been forcing me to continue taking art. it aint persuade you know, it's force. and all the teachers too .
bloody hell, it's supposed to be my decision. who's the one doing the o levels, me or you? it's my choice whether i want to bloody draw and paint and all tht shit or not.
there was smth abt a literally bloody post-it during this morning's dream, with 109 written on it. cant rmb any other words, just tht particular number.
what should i do ?
what shall i do ?
what would i do ?
hmm, tht all depends on what i want to do .
eh, wait, no. if it depends on what i want to do, we're all screwed, with me being the most fucked up. yeah thanks.
i'm like so in love with These Walls. maybe should make a vid to tht instead. currently putting re:the world calling on hold first cos i had planned it to be filmed at prp, which i'm still phobic abt, as proven by friday's cross country.
i see them ghosts everywhere. the male ghost even haunts me in my sleep, his words haunt my thoughts, and his face haunts my mind.
but to me, the female one is the scarier one. she's telling me to do things i shouldnt, and i think she's gonna try hypnosis very very soon.
like clockwork, i commit the crime. i pretend to be everything they write.
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