i dreamt of him.

again.

there was one part, he and i were facing each other. i was talking, i was angry, i rmb. and then he suddenly came right up and kissed me smack hard on the mouth. i kissed back and continued talking, but he just shut me up in the end .

so there we were, kissing the hell out of each other. bloody hell. just like those times, my wrist on the back of his neck and his palm against my cheek.

and there was another part, i was walking past this playground. i saw my precious classmates. 4/2 2011. they were having some sort of party there, and it seemed like every one of them was there.

i didnt stop by tho. when i passed them by, i saw siying coming towards me. she was saying smth like, "arent you joining us?"

i dont rmb saying anything, i just pointed to this carpark nearby. and then siying was like, "oh you want to go reminisce?" something like tht ah.

i nodded, and she nodded as well, like an understanding kind of nod. and then she vanished.

if smth bad happens, you dont always have to necessarily blame the bad thing entirely for happening. you could blame the good thing tht led to the bad thing instead.

or better still just blame God for creating you.

first thing in the morning of my bro's 12th birthday and i've alr cried my eyes out. i woke up to see my granny missing, and even her stuff were all gone. i was like firetruck, not again.

went to my mom and was like, "where's my grandma?" and she can have this bloody calm look and was like, "she's went back to guilley."

bloody hell, i almost lost it. but no, no mirror reactions. if you get what i mean. no.

talked to syazie and nic last night/this morning. seems they havent given up on me aft all. they said they're willing to like suffer (this is so not the correct word) with me. and haikal dood. he even wrote a whole diary entry for me.

i havent heard from cousie for eons. she's given up on me.

the sentence tht made me cry like shit last night:

i miss the old eindah.

tht was said from shushan. for her to say smth like tht, it means a lot. usually someone like her wouldnt really get all this shit. but even she understands tht im being someone i aint. God.

kill me alr.

maybe i should just change my blog addie. if i write here, some ppl might mistake my writing for wanting attention.

i wanna go make AVSSS now. shall bring my yashica out for the first time ever later, hehe.

12 years ago, i was too young to understand. i didnt really know why my mommy had to keep gg to the hospital. and then one day, when my granny fetched me from kindergarten, she said mommy's home alr.

i went into the room and there was a baby on my parents' bed. waving his little mittoned fists around in the air. i dont think i understood tht was my 'little brother', but my older bro and i loved him so much.

damn, there's a photo of us you know. my bro lying down and me, still in my uniform, kissing his forehead.